


Games for Everyone

by IcedFireFrenzy



Category: Assassin's Creed
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Commercials, Games, Gen, Humor, More characters to come, Parody, lots of characters, possible ooc
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-23
Updated: 2016-04-24
Packaged: 2018-04-05 18:47:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 20,419
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4190955
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IcedFireFrenzy/pseuds/IcedFireFrenzy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is a game show where I'm the host! I'm an Anti-Sue Mary Sue who brings numerous amounts of characters from the Assassin's Creed universe into the real world. Of course, I will get called out for my Sue-ish nature often. Complete with staff, a studio, and an audience, my "contestants" will play many games games suggested by the world, including you! Your favorite characters are surely to be included (if they haven't already).</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Meet the Contestants

**Author's Note:**

> Hello world!
> 
> This is IcedFireFrenzy here, and I am posting my fanfic from FanFiction.net here. This will be more of a game show where you can request anything you wish. Rules are below, but many of your favorite characters are included in this. Anyway, I hope you enjoy this crackfic!
> 
> Read on!

The scene is a bright room with ice blue lights and walls. The floor is tiled with icy blue rock. There is a screen showing various shades of light blue and there are rows of chairs in the middle of the room. The chairs are turned at an angle so they wouldn't completely face the audience. Separate from the rows of chairs is a cushioned stool made specially for the host. The host is a teenaged girl with a slightly twisted fantasy (yet nothing too twisted), IcedFireFrenzy! That's right, the author of this game show.

"Assassins and Templars, please meet your host, IcedFireFrenzy!" the announcer said in an Oprah-like fashion. She walks out in a simple ice blue dress and a bunch of cards in her hands. She wears high heeled blue Mary Janes and her hair is straightened for this occasion. Her glasses are black and eyes brown. Her smile is wide as hell as she gets ready to announce the 'gamers,' who were just taken from their own timelines to play this game.

"Okay folks, I am IcedFireFrenzy, but please, call me Lucy or Frenzy," the host says. "Okay, so this is my first time hosting a show, so it may be slightly hectic. Our contestants will be abundant, but they will also be from the Assassin's Creed universe! They will range in age and era, so expect different kinds of behavior and clothing."

Rules for the Game:  
1\. The audience, aka you the viewers, are allowed to send your own requests!  
2\. Any requests are allowed but those that are sexy or smexy. No sex please.  
3\. The contestants are allowed to swear, so expect some foul-mouthedness.  
4\. Expect a little bit of OOC-ness as well; this is a game show, where anything can happen!  
5\. No OCs are allowed, no matter how awesome they may be (and there are some with levels of awesomeness that go off the charts).  
6\. No flirting unless dared.  
7\. Anyone who breaks the rules will be spritzed with water or hit in the head with a book.

"Okay, now that we got the rules out of the way, let's introduce our contestants!" Frenzy shouts with excitement, causing the audience to roar and clap loudly. "First off, we got two wild and crazy guys from Syria, meet Altaïr Ibn La'Ahad and Malik Al-Sayf!" The two men do not appear on the scene, causing Frenzy to be concerned. "Everybody, let's cheer Alty!" she shouts.

"Alty! Alty! Alty!" the audience and hostess cheer endlessly. Finally, we see Malik having to drag Altaïr with his one arm, greatly struggling since the master assassin did not want to go onto the game show.

"Come on, Alty," Frenzy says with a sad yet soothing voice. "It won't be that bad yet."

"What do you mean by yet?" Altaïr asks, rather concerned. His face is hooded, though he is not making an expression.

"Absolutely nothing, Alty."

"Don't call me Alty, wench."

"Don't call the host a wench, novice," Malik butted in, pointing a finger at the assassin. Altaïr just sat there, pouting slightly and crossing his arms, his hunch subtle.

"See what I mean, folks?" Frenzy asks to the camera and audience, the sound of drums in the background. Her response was a cricket. "Damn, I though I would get a response this time," she muttered to herself. She heard a snicker in the background, unsure if that was Malik or Altaïr. "Anyway, we have some folks coming."

"There's more?" Malik asks, a little shocked.

"Didn't you hear the rules?" she asks in the same tone.

"No."

"Oh dear Kanye West, listen next time. Excuse me for that little interruption. Anyway, now we got a nice lady coming in today. Her name: Maria Thorpe. Let's welcome Maria, everyone!" The crowd cheers for the first female contestant to appear. She smiles and waves at everyone, taking her seat next to Altaïr.

"Hey hot stuff," she purrs, making Altaïr blush slightly. "Wanna do stuff later on?"

"No, no, no sexiness or smexiness, okay?" Frenzy says sternly as she takes out her spritz bottle. She sprays Maria for flirting without being dared. "Unless you pulled a Malik somehow, you must listen to the rules, m'kay?"

"Okay," the trio mutter, Malik insulted and Maria upset from being sprayed. Altaïr decided to raise his hand.

"What is 'smexy'?' he asks out of sheer confusion.

"I have no clue other than it's an internet thing," Frenzy admits.

"Then why say it?" Malik questions. The hostess does not reply. "Well?"

"Why not? But we need to carry on. Now, we shall meet some Renaissance folk. Let's welcome the Auditore family: Claudia, Mario, Ezio, and Maria!" Frenzy says, introducing four more people. The four Auditore walk in a line as they walk to their seats, hearing the audience roar as they walked. They each have similar expressions: genuine smiles. They all wave, though Ezio flashes a flirty smile towards the audience, causing every female to swoon with the exception of Frenzy, who only yawns. "Now that we got the Auditore, now we need their friends," Frenzy speaks to the audience. "Let's welcome La Volpe, Leonardo da Vinci, and Niccoló Machiavelli!" The trio walks into view and wave. Niccoló's face is stoic while Leonardo's face shows happiness. La Volpe is well, La Volpe.

"Ezio!" Leonardo shouts happily as he hugs his best friend. This action earned 'awws' from everyone in the room, including Frenzy.

"Okay, Leo. It's time to take your seat," Frenzy says warmly. "Now let's move down the line! We have a generation of Kenways with us, so let's welcome the three amigos Edward, Haytham, and Connor!" The crowd cheers loudly for all three men, not caring that one of them is a Templar. Edward smiles while the younger generations glare at each other. "Guys, no glaring at each other; we can't have someone die yet." Frenzy warns.

"Yet?" everyone asks in unison, then look at each other with looks about their timing.

"You'll only die if requested, though you will be brought back if I wish... maybe."

"Damn," Edward says.

"Yeah. I told you guys I have slightly fucked up fantasies." They all glare at Frenzy, who only puts up her hands in defense. "Well, let's introduce some more folks myah," she continues. "Let's give a hand for Adéwalé, Charles Lee, Mary Read, and Blackbeard!" Everyone cheered for the lady and gentlemen, though we hear a boo from Connor, meant for Charles Lee. Lee's response is merely a sneer. Haytham gives his Templar buddy an apologetic look, Edward and Connor giving the middle generation a look.

"I can't believe my son is a Templar," Edward says with disbelief.

"No one can, Edward," Frenzy says in the same tone. She gets murmurs of agreement from both the audience and the contestants. "On a different topic, we are welcoming Aveline de Grandpré and Arno Dorian!" The assassins walk next to each other, smiling. They take their seats next to Mary, who nods at them. "Now, we reach modern times! Who else is happy?" the crowd responds with a few cheers and we hear a scoff from Altaïr. Frenzy merely rolls her eyes at the assassin.

"I'm sorry, but when are we going start?" Thorpe asks, tired of waiting.

"I just need to introduce these last few people," Frenzy assures her, getting tired herself. "Anyway, let's give a hand for Clay Kaczmarek, Daniel Cross, Shaun Hastings, Rebecca Crane, Desmond Miles, and Lucy Stillman!" The group of people have walked on the stage, smiling and waving. They sit in the last of the seats, waiting for what will happen next.

"God, how are we going to be humiliated this time?" Shaun asks, irritation coating his normally sarcastic voice.

"Lighten up, Shaun. This may be fun," Rebecca playfully says, slapping him on the arm.

"Thank you, Rebecca," Frenzy says happily. "Next up, we'll introduce each other properly. But now, it's time for shitty commercials!" Frenzy said a little too gleefully. "We'll be back in a short amount of time! Request whatever you wish; it'll be the contestants suffering while your twisted requests will be fulfilled."

"Oh fuck me," Shaun mutters while he pinched the bridge of his nose.

"I'm too young for that, Shaun," Frenzy replies. Rebecca snickers while Shaun facepalms.


	2. Ice Breakers and Machiavelli's Power

"Welcome back from commercials, folks!" Frenzy announces. "God weren't those just absolutely shitty?"

"There weren't commercials; you just shut off the camera and walked off to fall asleep," Shaun said with slight anger. The audience and contestants both went 'ooh'. Frenzy's face contorted as her anger began to show. She walked off stage to only come back with a stool and 'The Prince' by Machiavelli.

"Ooh, you done fucked up this time, Shaun," Desmond chuckles.

"Desmond, really? Was that necessary?" Shaun asks.

"Yes. Yes it was," Frenzy says sternly. "Now please sit in the stool and take your punishment like a man."

"It's not like I broke any rules!"

"But you humiliated your hostess. YOU NEVER HUMILIATE YOUR HOSTESS!"

"She is _pissed, _" Edward said.__

__"You don't say," Haytham replies with sass._ _

__"Don't sass me boy."_ _

__"Okay folks, we got our first serious punishment!" Frenzy says with mirth, earning 'oohs' from the audience. "I got the stool and 'The Prince' with me, so here is how it goes:"_ _

___1\. The punished must sit in the stool without argument._  
2\. Frenzy will say something absurd as she prepares to hit the person in the stool.  
3\. She will use all of her force to hit the rule-breaker.  
4\. Said rule-breaker will sit down in their original chair while Frenzy puts away the stool. 

__"So since that is settled, Shaun, take your seat," Frenzy commands, holding her book with her left hand._ _

__"I can't believe this is actually happening," Shaun mutters._ _

__"Not now Shaun. So, ahem. FEEL THE POWER OF MACHIAVELLI!"_ _

__"Machiavelli?" Ezio mutters in the background as Frenzy uses her left hand to hold the book. She uses all of her force to hit Shaun in the head, managing to knock him off the stool._ _

__"Ow, fuck!" Shaun yells as he stands up and runs his head. "For a teenaged girl, you actually have some power."_ _

__"I try, since my upper body strength is non-existent," Frenzy says with sarcasm and smugness. "But thank you." His response to her is a middle finger. "Scoff," she says out loud._ _

__"I'm pretty sure you suppose to actually scoff, not say 'scoff,' " Leonardo says with curiosity and confusion._ _

__"I say my sound effects because that's how I roll."_ _

__"Oh."_ _

__"Yeah. So up to our first game!" Frenzy practically squeals in excitement. "This is called 'Ice Breaker,' which will properly introduce us."_ _

__"I thought you are already did that for us, wench," Altaïr says, obviously annoyed._ _

__"No, _Alty _, I just merely gave names," Frenzy growls darkly. "Ahem, excuse that little nuisance over yonder. Now, here is a roll of toilet paper. Take as many squares as you wish."___ _

____"Um, what is toilet paper?" Malik asks, never learning of what it was._ _ _ _

____"My staff never taught you guys what stuff this wondrous century has?" Frenzy asks, rather shocked. With the exception of the modern Assassins and Templars, they all shake their heads. The hostess merely facepalmed. "Fucking staff," she mumbled to herself in frustration. "Just take as many squares as you wish; I'll teach you guys over break and throughout the game. For the squares, it must be a minimum of 2 squares."_ _ _ _

____"I know the amount I'm taking then," Clay says in a cocky tone._ _ _ _

____"Me too," Altaïr chuckled lightly._ _ _ _

____"Your minimum is 4 now, Bismuth Technetium Helium Sulfur." Frenzy responded smugly._ _ _ _

____"What?" they both asked, confused._ _ _ _

____"Bismuth is Bi, Technetium is Tc, Helium is He, and Sulfur is S. What does that spell children?"_ _ _ _

____"Bitches? Oh," Clay realizes. "Damn it."_ _ _ _

____"Guffaw. So everyone grab as may as you want, as long as it's 2 or more." the hostess says, waiting for everyone to grab their squares. As soon as everyone grabbed their squares, Frenzy begins to speak. "Okay, can someone throw me that TP roll?" she asks as Shaun throws it to her, hitting her head. "Ah! My hair! Mah beautiful hair no! Ahem, unprofessional on my part. So, let me give you guys a demo." Frenzy says as she grabs three squares. "Okay, here we go."_ _ _ _

_______"1. I am IcedFireFrenzy, though my real name is Lucy._  
2\. My favorite show is South Park.  
3\. I am really obsessive." 

____"Okay, that was easy, wasn't it guys?" Frenzy finishes. She got a few yeses and growls. "So Altaïr, since you were being a smartass, why don't you go first?"_ _ _ _

____"Fine," Altaïr forces. "My name is Altaïr Ibn La'Ahad, I am a novice again,"_ _ _ _

____"And we all know why," Malik coughs into his hand. "Novice." Altaïr backhands Malik's face, setting both Malik and the chair off-balance. Both fall with a crash, scream, and gasps from everyone in the studio._ _ _ _

____"That's it! Altaïr, in the closet, now!" Frenzy shouts as she takes off her glasses and facepalms. She calls her security to lock him in the punishment closet for an hour. Once in the closet, he scratches at the door, but no one can hear it because the door was soundproofed. "That's better. Clay, you're next." She says in a slightly relieved tone. As Clay begins to speak, we see Malik getting up and sitting down on his chair with a little help from Maria._ _ _ _

____"Okay, my first name is Clay, my last name is Kaczmarek, I was brought back to life by our hostess, and I have an AI in the Animus." Clay announces as he rolls his eyes. He is spritzed with water._ _ _ _

____"No smartassary," Frenzy says with a monotone voice. "Thorpe, You're up."_ _ _ _

____"So, I am Maria Thorpe, I was a Templar, but now I am an assassin." Thorpe said, tearing off her three squares for each fact she gave._ _ _ _

____"Thanks, Thorpe. Malik, continue the train for us."_ _ _ _

____"So, my name is Malik Al-Sayf, and I am a Dai for the Assassins Bureau in Jerusalem."_ _ _ _

____"Thank you. Ezio, chimon!"_ _ _ _

____"I am Ezio Auditore da Firenze, I am obviously an assassin, and I love-"_ _ _ _

____"Women," Claudia interrupts, causing Frenzy to burst out laughing. Ezio glares at both women and sits down, obviously angry._ _ _ _

____"I am sorry Ezio, but that was funny," Frenzy managed to say while heavily breathing. "I can see this isn't going to end well, so everyone just say your name and occupation."_ _ _ _

____"I am Claudia Auditore da Firenze, and I am a Madame."_ _ _ _

____"I am Maria Auditore da Firenze, and I am a Mother."_ _ _ _

____"It's a me, Mario! I'm an assassin."_ _ _ _

____"Look, we all know each other's names, this is pointless," Shaun points out as he pinches the bridge of his nose. "Ow! Why did you throw throw the toilet paper at me?"_ _ _ _

____"Because you pointed out the obvious. Yes, this is futile, but it can be fun," Frenzy says. "Besides, I'm a fangirl; it's my job to torture you guys to fulfill my sick fantasies. But without the smut, that is the job of other fangirls."_ _ _ _

____"Other fangirls want to do sexual stuff to us?" Haytham asks, rather worried and shocked by the boldness of these fangirls._ _ _ _

____"Yup."_ _ _ _

____"Oh Jesus Christ," Lucy mutters in the background, greatly mortified._ _ _ _

____"I'll tell you guys more about your fandom and what it includes. Right after these shitty commercial breaks!" Frenzy announces. Every contestant groans or mutters something._ _ _ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're wondering where I got that absurd line involving Machiavelli, that's something I came up with a couple of months ago. Hitting someone with a book is something I've wanted to try for some time now. Anyway, if you want to see some characters to play some games, then I suggest to continue reading. Requesting is optional.
> 
> Also, I'll be uploading the first five or six chapters relatively quickly, but then the updates will slow down until I'm caught up.


	3. Fanfiception

"Welcome back from commercials everyone!" Frenzy says happily. "God, weren't those absolutely shitty?"

"You turned my future book into a mockery," Niccolò growls darkly.

"You told the world that I have herpes," Shaun says in the same tone. "I don't even have herpes."

"But we tolerate you all the same Shaun," Desmond cut in, partially drunk.

"Hey!"

"I have to sit down after those Viagra (trademark) commercials," Edward says, just as unhappy as everyone else.

"Has it lasted more than four hours?" Mary asks, laughing slightly.

"Damn it, I was gonna ask that one," Frenzy slurs out of sleepiness.

"Not to mention, you took 'Amnesta' crap," Shaun says in an angry tone.

"I'm still asleep, so I don't-" Frenzy yawns as she begins to awaken. "Aw, have we come back from commercials yet?"

"Yes, and we're all complaining," Shaun says. "Did you just wake up?"

"Yeah. What happened back there was a side effect of the Amnesta crap, except that I remember everything."

"Do you remember your hot tub by any chance?" La Volpe mentions, speaking for once.

"Yeah, it should be fine. Why?"

"Well, people from my time and possibly Connor's time have come out."

"Oh shit. Wait, is Desmond drunk back there?"

"Yeah, I could be, ice lady," Desmond slurs. "I think I mixed one too many Absolute drinks."

"Okay then. So, my staff says it's mostly women. Staff, can you add some more chairs for me please?" they obliged and added more chairs for Frenzy. "Okay, let's welcome Deborah Carter, Cristina Vespucci, Sofia Sartor, Caterina Sforza, Lucrezia Borgia, and Rosa!" Frenzy says happily. Each of the women wave and walk to their seats, almost all of them giving Ezio a look of disgust, happiness, or a blank stare. Deborah, or Dobby, looked at Connor with a look of happiness, a small smile appearing on her lips. He returns the smile, only to be poked by Edward.

"She is a keeper, boy. Go after her," Edward suggests.

"She's a comrade, not just some ass I could tap," Connor responds, rather offended.

"I can hear you guys," Haytham says, his voice monotone. "I'm right in between you. How are you even having this conversation?"

"Very carefully," the pirate replies.

"I can hear you guys from here," Arno says, being able to hear the conversation.

"Oh..." Connor says shamefully.

"Same here," Frenzy admits with a chuckle. "Where did you learn such a phrase?"

"Probably from the fact that you talk in your sleep," Shaun mutters. "You say the craziest things and 'tap that ass' was one of them."

"Oh dear God. It was the Amnesta, wasn't it?"

"Probably. Seriously though, are we going to let Altaïr out of the closet yet?" Malik asks out of the blue.

"I forgot all about him. Security, can you unlock Altaïr?" Frenzy asks. Altaïr stomps over to his seat, muttering things about Frenzy in Arabic.

"You are a mecha wench," Altaïr mutters, this being the only thing said in English.

"I didn't know you knew the word 'mecha.'" Frenzy says.

"I miss my beard," Leonardo says. "Why did you make me shave it?"

"Because you look better with a goatee, Mkay?" Frenzy replies plainly. "Anyway, who still wants to learn about fanfiction?" Everyone in the room gulps heavily as they fear what may come up. Even the toughest Assassins and Templars show either blank expressions or subtle frowns. "Ahem, so here are the fanfics you need to read." Each person got their own fanfics to read, though most were not happy at all.

"Kiddway? What the hell is a Kiddway?" Edward asks, obviously confused.

"It's the shipping name for the romantic pairing of Mary Read and you, Edward Kenway." Mary bursts out into laughter after hearing the explanation.

"Wow chikka wow wow!" Rebecca says as she moved her arms in a circular motion, winking at the blond pirate. Frenzy, Rebecca, and Mary laugh even harder now as Edward rolls his eyes. In the background, everyone is muttering something as they question the sanity of both Frenzy and the fandom.

"I cross-dress?" Leonardo asks.

"What is Connorline and why am I involved in it?" Connor questions.

"I'm in the future now with Connor, in England, with an eighteen-year-old girl. Okay then," Haytham says, unsure of how to feel about this.

"Why am I a gay high-schooler going after Altaïr?" Desmond asks, grossed out by the fact that he is paired with his ancestor.

"Lemme see that," Clay partially asks he takes Desmond's fanfic. "Whoo! I'm paired with Lucy!"

"I'm paired with Desmond," Lucy replies to Clay's exclamation as she reads her given fanfic.

"I'm paired with Shaun!" Rebecca says happily, not minding the pairing between her and the historian.

"Why am I paired with Desmond of all people?" Shaun says, offended. Said person gives Desmond a look of shock. The latter gives the same look as they both slightly shudder at such an arbitrary idea.

"Why am I female and what exactly is AltMal?" Altaïr asks, unhappy with the fact that he is a wench.

"Why are there so many hoes that get in the way of me loving Alty?" Maria asks, especially irate.

"Hoes? Alty? Someone's been under my influence methinks," the hostess manages through laughing. "One question though: have you converted to an Assassin yet, or are you still a Templar?"

"I have become an Assassin due to this guy's... um, 'charm'," Maria replies,pushing her thumb to point at Altaïr.

"Charm? Never thought he had such a thing," Malik jokes, receiving a glare from the Syrian. He goes back to his fanfic, though he looks back up in confusion.

"Why am I eating Doritos?" Malik requests, unsure of what Doritos are.

"What are Doritos?" Lucrezia asks, looking up from her fic, confused about the whole situation.

"They are a type of unhealthy food that tastes really salty, but are cheaper than produce," Frenzy answers.

"Wow, I'm actually involved in a fanfic," Daniel mutters, saying his first line in the whole game show.

"There are more, but I just got tired of reading so much fanfiction," the hostess says to Daniel, though everyone looks up.

"To whom are you talking?" La Volpe inquires, his face remaining stoic.

"Daniel."

"What about me?" The blonde asks, not especially paying attention.

"I was telling you that there are more fanfics with you, but there are over 6,800 AC fanfics, and it gets tiresome after a while." Frenzy says "But now, everyone needs to finish their stories."

*Time skip to an hour later*

Everyone has finished their fanfics. They are either confused or just grossed out altogether. There is vomit bucket that has been filled near the modern-day section group.

"What in the fuck?" Altaïr asks angrily. "This is why women's imaginations should not be expressed; they're fucking sick!"

"Watch it you misogynistic son of a Bismuth Technetium Hydrogen!" Frenzy yells, even more irate than Altaïr. "Do you _want _to go back into the closet?" In the background there are people cheering 'fight.' "We're not going to fight for your benefit, people. I don't feel like getting my arse kicked!" The audience stops cheering, though Frenzy manages to calm down slightly. "Okay contestants, remove any weapons you possess!"__

__"Why?" Rosa asks, not wanting to give up her knives._ _

__"Because the next game we're gonna play does not require weapons. Anyone who doesn't comply will be sent to the closet," the hostess replies to Rosa. Everyone removes their weapons begrudgingly, greatly upset that have to remove a piece of their identity. "Okay folks, you'll get your game... right after these commercials!"_ _

__"Please don't turn me into another QVC spokesman," Haytham sadly mutters._ _

__"Don't worry, that's most likely going to be Leonardo or Niccolò."_ _

__"What," Niccolò responds, hoping to not be a part of this._ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I brought in fanfiction. It's fanfiception! Any fanfics that sound anything remotely like yours is completely coincidental. I also do not own Viagra in any way, shape, or form. If you want to see your shenanigans come to life, you are allowed to request! God, I hope I don't sound desperate.


	4. Herpes, Twister, and Facepalming

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Carefree_Epicness24: I appreciate the review, Brohemia (don't question the nickname; you don't want to know). I was recently thinking about introducing them to Mortal Kombat, but I need to upload the other chapters before I can start that.

"Welcome back, folks!" Frenzy says happily, her hair now in a braid and her feet in simple blue flats. "God won't those commercials absolutely shitty?"

"The fact that I was included in the ad for 'What Does the Fox Say?' was just 45 seconds of wrong," La Volpe muttered under his breath.

"I made thousands of dollars from selling my painting!" Leonardo says with mirth.

"You gave me herpes," Shaun states monotonously as he holds up his micro-plushy that represents herpes.

"Continuity: SUCCESS!" Frenzy unnecessarily shouts in a macho voice.

"How exactly?" Ezio asks.

"In earlier commercials, I played a role where I had herpes. During the previous commercials, she gave me this micro-plushy that represents herpes, so she can truly say that I have herpes." Ezio gives the hostess a look of disbelief, while she gives the contestants one of her classic shit-eating grins. "But I truly don't have herpes. This was merely a prank."

"Duh," Rebecca and Frenzy point out simultaneously. Altaïr facepalms at their response to Shaun, but he just remembers that he forgot to take off his hidden blade. Next thing everyone hears is the unsheathing of the blade and a groan from the master-turned-novice. 

"Hey, I think that happened in the fanfic I read," Caterina muses. "And it was funny then. I didn't even think it would be even funnier in real life!" She begins to giggle, though it turned into a full laugh. The contestants and Frenzy join in soon after, laughing at the novice. 

"Seriously, someone do something here!" Altaïr screams as his blade is attached to his eye.

"God, you are such a novice," Malik giggles

"Did you just giggle?" the novice asks.

"Maybe."

"Okay, can we get a doctor in here? Altaïr is in a blurry situation," Frenzy asks her staff, failing at her pun. The staff come and take him to the back, willing to treat him. "Altaïr will have to sit out on this game."

"Lucky bastard," Clay mutters enviously. He is spritzed with water.

"Unless you want to read some more fanfiction, I recommend shutting up," Frenzy warns.

"Yes ma'am."

"So, our game is Twister today!" Cheers come the audience. The modern-day Assassins and Templars are rather stunned by the game.

"No, nope. I'm out," Shaun exclaims as he begins to walk off the stage.

"Scorpion!" Frenzy shouts to her security. Both the audience and contestants see the yellow-clad ninja surrounded by flames as he prepares his kunai.

"GET OVER HERE!" Scorpion shouts as Shaun's shoulder is impaled. He is dragged back onto the stage. The British man pulls the kunai out of his shoulder and walks back to his seat, putting his own bandage on the wound.

"Thanks Scorp, you may go back to Hell." He nods at the hostess and his boss (for some reason he didn't even know) and teleports out of the studio and dimension.

"He's from Hell?" Cristina asks, shocked and scared.

"Play some Mortal Kombat, you'll understand," Frenzy replies plainly. "Now, I need to be seriously. Yes, I meant seriously, not serious. Volunteers for Twister?" 

"What are the rules of this 'Twister'?" Haytham asks.

"Well, it's a game played with multiple people where you have to put your hand or foot on a certain colored circle." Frenzy explains.

"Man, that sounds... er, kinky?" Edward says as he thinks of a fitting word.

"So, are you in?" Frenzy asks.

"Yeah, why not." 

"Whoo! Clay, you're also in," Frenzy's tone changes within those two sentences.

"What? Why?" he asks, thinking the idea of him playing is rather ludicrous.

"Because you keep being a smartass."

"Damn."

"Exactly. Two more volunteers?" Lucy and Mary choose to and play the game and walk up with the men to the oversized map. I made it a little larger for you guys so it has the possibility to be easier to play. They each stood in front of a red dot, two spaces away from each other.

"This is stupid," Clay mutters under his breath.

"Hey, it may be fun," Lucy tries to be optimistic. "We may see Kiddway come alive." This causes Clay to laugh loudly. The pirates give each other and the blonde couple a look of confusion. Even Frenzy giggles a little.

"Okay, you guys ready?" Frenzy asks, everyone saying yes. "Left hand blue." Each player puts their hand on a blue dot. Clay and Lucy smirk at each other. "Right foot red." Edward and Mary put their feet in front of their own person, though the other two put their feet in front of each other, tangling themselves. Both Shaun and Frenzy facepalm at them already getting tangled. "Left hand green." The four have slight trouble reaching the green dot, though they are nimble enough to reach. Clay and Lucy entangle themselves further, still smiling at each other. Though Edward puts his hand in front of himself, Mary manages to entangle them, smirking at the blond pirate.

"That's how you wanna play now?" He asks.

"Why not?" she replies flirtatiously. 

"Kiddway! Kiddway! Kiddway!" Rebecca cheers in the background, eventually getting the audience to cheer with her. Shaun facepalms again at Rebecca's shenanigans. Frenzy once more spins the Wheel of Twister and waits for the results.

"Left foot yellow," Frenzy says, looking at the two tangles. "God, the fanfiction is gonna be crazy!" Each person puts their left foot out to balance themselves. Now everyone is fully entangled within themselves.

"God, I think I'm going to fall," Clay struggles to say as he trembles.

"Me too-" Lucy cuts herself off as both blondes fall on top of each other and laugh. Desmond looks at them in disbelief and slight jealousy. 

"D'aww, is someone jealous?" Daniel teases as he nudges Desmond, who only rolls his eyes in return. The Templar laughs to himself.

"Okay you guys, time for you to take your seat," Frenzy says as she points to their chairs. They both took their seats, though they got a donut before sitting down. "Now we have Team Kiddway left. Let's see who falls first! Right hand red." They both comply, now both in uncomfortable positions.

"God, I can feel the sexual tension from _here _," Haytham says.__

__"We all can," Connor replies. "Was he like this before?"_ _

__"When I was little, not especially. Before I was born, I think he might've been worse."_ _

__"I can hear you guys from here!" Edward shouts at the younger generations. "Try to be a little discreet."_ _

__"Says the pirate," Connor replies with sass, high-fiving his father._ _

__"Touché."_ _

__"Yes kids, he was that bad before you were born," Mary shouts over to them, causing the blonde pirate to blush lightly. "He was maybe a little worse." He chose to sit down out of slight protest, completely rage-quitting. He ended up sitting on her hand and changed his position, knocking her over._ _

__"My head is not in a good position right now," Mary said awkwardly, as her head was on Edward's lap._ _

__"It's official! Mary wins!" Frenzy shouts. "Edward, you can rage quit later on, but not on Mary's hand. You also sabotaged her by changing your position. You get a donut for effort though. Mary, since you won, you get to come with to choose your pastry. After a minute, she came out with an éclair, half of it already eaten._ _

__"God these are good," she barely mutters as she eats._ _

__"Is it thick and creamy?" Frenzy snickers._ _

__"Yes it- oh, that was just wrong," Mary laughs at the perverted joke, along with the modern-day contestants and a few of the men. Frenzy manages to calm down as she calls the next contestants. Within an hour, Altaïr comes back onto the stage, befuddled by the gameplay and everyone has had a turn with the exception of four people._ _

__"Okay, we have Daniel, Rebecca, Ezio, and Malik left," Frenzy lists as the map is straightened. "Okay, for Malik it will be a challenge. For every time you hear 'left hand,' you are allowed to glare at Altaïr, is that fine?"_ _

__"That works for me," he shrugs._ _

__"Now everyone, move to your spots." The four move their spots, standing in front of a green circle instead of a red circle. "Left hand green." Everyone but Malik moves their hand, though Malik can only give the novice a glare that could kill. Altaïr couldn't see it because his eye is currently covered up. He turns his head to see the game with his good eye, and sees the Dai eyeing him down._ _

__"I'm sorry," he mouths to his friend, who only gives him the finger. In the background, Frenzy spins her Wheel._ _

__"Right foot red," the hostess says. Malik hops to the circle, suspending his foot in the air. Ezio struggles slightly due to back pains._ _

__"God, my back hurts," Ezio mutters in his native language. Despite his back problems, he stays untangled, unlike Daniel and Rebecca._ _

__"It's only the second move, and we have a situation already," Daniel says aloud as he mentally facepalms._ _

__"It's a game of agility; I'm testing it," Rebecca states, defending her action._ _

__"You don't say?" Malik replies sarcastically, sounding slightly like Shaun._ _

__"Left hand blue," Frenzy announces, watching everyone move. Malik merely eyes Altaïr and rebalances himself._ _

__"I don't know why, but I just got the urge to synchronize," Ezio thinks out loud. He hears Frenzy snort at his comment and gives her a look._ _

__"Left foot yellow," Frenzy announces, watching everyone's moves like a hawk. Malik can finally be balanced while everyone else was in an awkward position of their own. Ezio managed to somehow get under Malik's legs while Daniel and Rebecca are in their own mess._ _

__"I swear to God, I will kill you if you do _anything _to my head," Ezio growls at Malik, who only gives the Master Assassin a dark grin. Rebecca grunts as she somehow falls without knocking over Daniel.___ _

____"Damn, I wanted to win that round. But it is nice being out of the sausage-fest," The black-haired woman admits, but receives a donut for her valiant effort._ _ _ _

____"Right hand green," Frenzy states, still watching everyone move. Malik ends up falling from a lack of support, but also causes Ezio to fall._ _ _ _

____"Oh God! My hair! My beautiful hair!" Ezio shouts as he tries to fix his hair, though his head is in an even worse spot than Mary's earlier. "I told not to mess with my head!"_ _ _ _

____"I'm sorry," Malik apologizes as he tries not to mess up his head or hair any further._ _ _ _

____"You are going to pay for this."_ _ _ _

____"I only have one arm; isn't that enough?" Two donuts are thrown at the Assassins as Frenzy prepares to announce Daniel as the winner._ _ _ _

____"Hey, shut it you two!" Frenzy shouts as them. "I'm trying to let him relish his victory crème puff. So everyone, take a seat and enjoy your pastries; it's commercial time!"_ _ _ _


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Carefree_Epicness24: Thanks!

"Today, you won't be in the commercials; I'll put up some infomercials during our break," Frenzy says, yawning. Every contestant cheers this time, glad they won't have to do anything really humiliating. "Anyway, have you learned about our modern technology?" Most of the Assassins and Templars shake their heads, still curious about the modern-day technology.

"Er, what is that black thing there?" Leonardo asks, unsure.

"That is a television. We learn about global and local news from here, along with gossip and overall entertainment. For the love of God, don't ask me to explain it; I suck at explanations and technology," Frenzy answers.

"And you call me a novice," Altaïr mutters.

"Okay then, explain this television to me."

"Nevermind."

"That's what I thought. So, who is hungry?" Frenzy inquires as she rubs her hands together and slightly licks her lips, her stomach growling. Everyone raises their hands, wanting something more than donuts. "Everybody, please sit down; I'll need to do a head count." The contestants took their seats and Frenzy should've counted about thirty heads, though she only counted twenty-nine. "We're missing someone," Frenzy points out. "I believe I know who. I can be sure in one true way: Where is Charles Lee?"

"We lost Charles Lee?" Haytham and Connor ask, both worried for different reason.

"No, I'm right here girl," Lee says, startling the young hostess. He is behind her, holding a plate of food.

"Where in the hell did you get that?" she asks, irate.

"I found while doing Templar stuff," he answers nonchalantly. She gives him a look, not satisfied with his answer.

"We don't even have Templars in this world."

"Okay then. Well, I just wandered around and I found a white box that stood up. It had food in it and I found a plate, so I simply put food on it." Frenzy merely facepalms at this action.

"At least you found food. But now you need to help me serve it," Frenzy warns as she pokes the Templar. Charles scoff aloud as he listens to her tone.

"Wait, how would we know if he poisons The food or not?" Connor asks, rather concerned.

"Full body cavity search," Frenzy replies plainly. "Desmond, do you want to help with the drinks?"

"Are you asking me because I'm a bartender or because I'm an Assassin?" Desmond asks, suspicious.

"Both."

"Fine, but only to make sure he doesn't poison the food."

"Works for me. Charles, I somehow managed to hire people from the TSA to give you a search." Frenzy leads Lee to the agents and lets him figure out the rest. After the search, we see Charles limp slightly as the the trio walk to the studio kitchen. In five minutes, plates of food were brought out by some staff members, Frenzy, and Charles Lee. After the food was served, Frenzy went to help Desmond serve the drinks. The food was simple: sandwiches. For beverages, there was water, carbonated water, and coffee. They mostly ate in silence due to not eating anything for hours with the exception of a donut or other pastry.

"Why do I still have the audacity to be hungry," Frenzy mutters to herself, barely audible. "Well, who needs to use the bathroom?" Most of the people raised their hands. "Okay. You'll have to take turns, but for those who don't know how to use a flushing toilet, you'll need to learn. Allons-y!"

"Your French needs some work," Arno points out. Aveline nods.

"I'm learning for Pete's sake!" Frenzy shouts from a distance, already to the bathrooms with those from the Renaissance and the Crusades.

"Who's Pete?" Arno asks. Frenzy pinches the bridge of her nose and sighs. Once everyone is in the bathroom, the hostess walks up to a stall, showing them the toilet.

"Okay people, this is a toilet," Frenzy says as if she were on PBS. "This is where you do your business."

"What do you mean, 'business'?" Altaïr asks suspiciously.

"I mean peeing and pooping. And to rid of it, all you have to do is flush it."

"Fascinating," Leonardo muses, everyone in the bathroom giving him a look of confusion.

"Okay then," Frenzy says awkwardly. "This is how you flush it." She pushes down on the handle, watching the toilet flush. Cristina shrieks and grabs Ezio's arm, not noticing the dirty looks from Sofia, Rosa, and Caterina.

"How does that work?" Cristina asks, paranoid.

"I know it had to deal with the plumbing system. I'm not that great with explanations or plumbing. Hell, I'm still trying to figure out how most of you are speaking English," Frenzy answers, rather frustrated.

"I'm English," Maria shrugs.

"I learned," Leonardo says, stroking his chin.

"Okay, but what about the rest?" At this moment, Rebecca busts into the room and runs into the stall.

"I'd recommend you guys leaving," Rebecca warns. "This will not be pretty." The group left, dropping the previous topic.

"So now I've got people who have become Google Translate. Fantastic," Frenzy grumbles to herself. At this moment, Rebecca comes out of the bathroom, saying it's okay to use the bathroom. "Go use the bathroom guys, but for the love of God, only one person per stall."

"Er, Frenzy?" a staff member asks.

"Yeah?"

"You guys are coming back on in two minutes."

"Okay, thanks man! Everyone, we're coming back on TV in two minutes! Hurry!" She runs back to the main stage, ushering everyone to their seats. Anyone who was in the bathroom ran to their seats, barely making it from the bathroom. A few people fell, but got back up as the camera was coming back on.

"Back on in five, four three, two, one..." the cameraman prepares.

"And we're back folks!" Frenzy announces.


	6. Dating Game and Juniority?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Carefree-Epicness24: It's okay; I've got to catch up this fic to the one on FanFiction. So if you want to share an idea, take all the time you need ;)  
> Silver Moon: Thanks!

"Back on in five, four, three, two, one," the cameraman prepares.

"And we're back folks!" Frenzy put on a smile that hides her exhaustion. "God, weren't those infomercials just shitty?"

"I'm just glad I didn't have to do anything," Niccolò admits. He receives murmurs of agreement.

"Well, we got a different kind of game for you guys," Frenzy begins. "It's a dating game!"

"Bloody hell," Shaun says as he facepalms, obviously not happy with this idea.

"Never thought I would agree with an Assassin, but yeah. I'm gonna have to agree," Daniel hesitantly agrees.

"You guys let me have zero fun," Frenzy huffs. Every contestant gives her a look of disbelief.

"It's more like the other way around," Niccolò points out. "You brought us out of our timeline to play games with us. You humiliated every single person here sitting on the stage. The infomercials alone took away all of our dignity!"

"My eye still hurts like hell," Altaïr growls.

"If you had removed _all_ of your weapons, you would not have gotten a hidden blade to the eye," the hostess retorts, looking partially smug. The Syrian tries to reply, but sighs instead.

"My head was violated by a certain someone with a missing limb," Ezio grumbles.

"Okay, in my defense, I didn't have the support of a second arm, causing me to fall down. You didn't help with getting under me," Malik responds defensively.

"You could say that again," Frenzy giggles pervertedly. "Anyway, we need to get to the game. Here are the rules:

_**1\. There will be three stalls, each having a chair in the middle of them. The three men chosen will sit in their designated stall.** _

_**2\. From a distance will be a chair for the bachelorette. She will sit there and ask three questions for each person.** _

_**3\. Since their identities will be hidden by the stalls, their voices will also be disguised by either changing your accent or wearing this special mask to change your voice.** _

_**4\. Once she is done asking questions, she will choose her person.** _

_**5\. The two who are not chosen will have to show their faces to the female.** _

"Okay folks, is everyone set?" Frenzy asks, rather happy. She sees frowns, but everyone replies with a yes. "Nice. So, if each of you could remove all but four stools please? Thank you."All but four contestants begrudgingly removed their seats from the stage, though they were unsure of where to put the seats. 

"Where should these go?" Shaun asks. 

"Just put them in stacks of four near the bathroom," Frenzy shouts since Shaun is at a distance. In a short amount of time, there are stacks of chairs near the bathroom. The stalls are being set up and one chair is put in each space. Outside the left stall is a chair for the bachelorette. 

"We already know the rules, so I have chosen three men to sit in the stalls. Each have chosen to speak in a different accent. Anyway, here are the three men!" Frenzy announces as Altaïr, Haytham, and Daniel sit in their own stool. "And now, please welcome our first bachelorette Cristina!" She walks out and sits on her personal stool, wearing jeans and a blouse. 

"Thank you, thank you. My first question: what would we do on a first date?" Cristina asks somewhat flirtatiously. 

"Date? Well, I don't know why I'd be dating in the first place," Altaïr answers honestly in an American accent. A chuckle could be heard from Frenzy in the background

"Wow, that was just sad," Haytham pities the novice while speaking in a Welsh accent. 

"Anyway, I'd probably just take you to a simple place to eat and talk." "Well that's sweet," Daniel taunts in a Russian accent. "I'd like to just to do what you'd like to do, but I'll be paying of course." 

"Okay then," Cristina mutters nervously. "Second question: what are your occupations?" 

"Really," all three respond monotonously. 

"Really." 

"Jesus, woman. You don't know?" Daniel questions. 

"Cristina, now you must choose which one of these fine "gentlemen" as your date," Frenzy informs. 

"But I only asked two questions!" Cristina defends with a whiny voice. 

"We're counting that 'really' in there as well." 

"Fine, I choose Bachelor 2!" she responds begrudgingly.

"Come on out, Bachelor 2!" As Frenzy announces the winning bachelor, the young Italian is shocked to see Haytham walk out on stage. The audience claps and cheers for the Templar. 

"So _you're_ Cristina," the Templar concludes, "I didn't realize that before." 

"Smooth," Frenzy taunts, receiving a cold glare from the Templar. "Anyway, Bachelors 1 and 3 please come out!" Altaïr and Daniel walk onto the stage with nonchalant looks. 

"I lost to a Templar," Altair pinches the bridge of his nose. 

"That's all you care about, really?" the blonde asks. "If I had won, you would've lost to another Templar." 

"So I'm the only Assassin playing?" 

"Only in this round, novice," the hostess somewhat jokes. She receives a half-blind glare from the Syrian. "Moving on now, everyone off the stage and let's welcome the next three bachelors!" she announced in an Oprah-like fashion, causing an uproar from the audience. Edward, Ezio, and Desmond walk onto the stage, each going to their respective stalls. "Now, please welcome our next bachelorette, Mary!" The audience cheers for her as she waves back a them and takes her seat. 

"Question 1: say we are in a dangerous situation and we've been captured by Templars. What would you do?" 

"I would have seen if we had any of our crew that wasn't captured using the power of 21st century technology," Desmond's thinks aloud in an Italian accent. 

"That is a horrible Italian accent, amic- er, mon ami," Ezio says, not only correcting his own accent but being offended by the 21st century man's accent. 

"The French are offended, Bachelor 2," Frenzy tells Ezio while pointing in Arno and Aveline's direction. 

"Not to mention that was a terrible plan, number 3," Shaun yells from a distance. 

"Not a great time, Shaun," the hostess yells back. 

"Jaysus, next question: how would you react if I were disguised as a man?" Mary continues. 

"Wouldn't be surprised," Edward answers in a British accent. "How? She would be cross-dressing," Ezio asks with confusion lacing his voice. 

"Again," Frenzy coughs. She receives a look that could kill from Mary. 

"Eh, I've seen weirder," Desmond replies honestly. 

"Bet you 200 bucks that you haven't." 

"I'm sorry, I thought that the hostess wasn't to participate," Mary says impatiently. The young hostess merely shrugs and sits down in her own stool near the edge of the stage. 

"Last question-" 

"Oh thank God," Ezio mutters a little too loudly. 

"Fuck it, I'll just choose now: Bachelor 1." With that said, Edward walks out onto the stage, though neither one of the pirates were shocked. 

"Bachelors 2 and 3, come on out!" Frenzy gets back up and announces, causing the audience to clap even louder. In the background, Claudia could be heard laughing as she saw her brother suffer a rejection. 

"You just got rejected," Claudia chuckles, only receiving a dirty look from her brother. 

"Yeah he did," Frenzy calmly says before bursting out into laughter.

* * *

"Okay, our last bachelors and bachelorette! Bachelors, come on out! Heh heh, come. Ignore that audience, please," Frenzy pleads after a perverted thought slips from her mouth. After her announcement/confession, Malik, Niccolò, and Shaun walk into their stalls. "And now, let's welcome Lucy!" The audience claps for the blonde Assassin-Templar as she takes her seat. 

"First question: how do you feel about pseudoscience?" The blonde asks somewhat neurotically. 

"What?" Malik and Niccolò ask, very confused. 

"Fake science," Frenzy states plainly. 

"I was going to explain that Frenzy, or should I say _other Lucy!_ " Shaun says dramatically, causing the audience to gasp. 

"Why am I 'other Lucy'? That's not fair!" the hostess complains like a child. 

"Because I have seniority," the sleeper agent says in a smug tone. 

"Oh yeah? Well, I have juniority." 

"That doesn't even exist! What the hell is it anyway? Seniority for younger people?" Shaun ridicules. 

"Exactly." 

"Oh dear God," Niccolò mutters. 

"Definitely. For being smug, you will have to sit in the closet Lucy," Frenzy says irrationally. 

"You sound just like a Mary Sue!" Clay shouts from a different part of the studio. 

"If I were a Mary Sue, you would all bow down to my nonexistent kaleidoscope eyes as I break the laws of physics to make you guys fall in love with me! My real name would be spelled in a ridiculous fashion and I would have real powers. By now, I would've found a way to make an X-Box or PS3 transport me to your universe-" 

"You brought us to your dimension. You're not too far away! You're already repeating yourself as you try to not call yourself what you really are: a Mary Sue. If I want to be specific, you could be called a self-insert! Before you ask how I learned this, I learned about the Mary Sue thing from the fanfiction!" Clay rants, revealing a sad truth. 

"Scorpion, bring this punk over here while I get the stool and a Harry Potter book!" Out of nowhere, Scorpion appears and pulls out his kunai. His kunai is thrown and lands in Clay's shoulder, the weapon and human being pulled by the specter's force. Frenzy returns with the fifth book in the Harry Potter series and her stool. "Thanks Scorp, you are allowed to go back to the 5th plane." 

"Why do I listen to you again?" Scorpion asks as he pinches the bridge of his nose. 

"Two reasons: one, I'm officially a Mary Sue, and two, I have Quan Chi's amulet and can summon him against you." 

"The amulet doesn't work that way!" 

"Look, just go back to hell; any more discussion and I will be forced to move this to the crossover section." 

"What's the crossover section?" Niccolò asks in the background. 

"Nothing Mach. Now, time for the punishment! Clay, take your seat and Lucy, go to the closet," Frenzy instructs. Everyone does what they're told, though there was some hesitation. "Ahem, Ravenclaw, HELL NAW!" Frenzy shouts as she swings the massive book with both hands. The hit makes a clunking sound against the Assassin's head, earning a wince from the audience and contestants. 

"Damn, that hurt. Wait, what's Ravenclaw?" Clay questions after rubbing his head. 

"Absolutely nothing. Anyway, we'll be right back after these shitty commercials!" "Oh my," Deborah mutters, earning a murmur of agreement from Connor.


	7. Assassins Against Cards Against Humanity

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, I want to apologize for the tardiness of this upload. I'm going to add more chapters later today and replies to previous comments in a moment.
> 
> Champion_Gray: Ooh, sounds nice!  
> Silver+Moon: My pleasure!  
> RavenclawAssassin: I apologize for insulting your house; I do not mean any harm and I was actually making a reference to the PotterPuppetPals.

"Welcome back folks!" Frenzy announces. "God, weren't those commercials just absolutely-"

"For a young girl, you swear a lot," Edward realizes.

"Says the pirate. Really, it took you that long to realize it?"

"Yes, and would you stop trying to sass me? It's getting annoying."

"No," Frenzy refuses.

"Why not?"

"Parce que j'ai dit."

"Seriously, your French, it's killing me," Arno dramatically says.

"Well you know, je suis le papillon et le papillon est moi." The Frenchman merely pinches the bridge of his nose at the hostess' response.

"You are not a butterfly, Frenzy," Aveline sighs.

"I know, it's just fun to say. Moving on, we have a new contestant for some reason, everyone welcome Shay Cormac!" Frenzy switches the topic, welcoming the new Templar as he walks to his stool.

"Haytham," Shay greets curtly as he takes a seat.

"Shay," the Grandmaster greets in return.

"Them feelings though, them feelings," Frenzy mutters with a fake sniffle, receiving looks from the Colonial Templars.

"Already not a fan," Shay deadpans.

"Oh well, but I've got a game for you guys, Cards Against Humanity!"

"What?" Lucrezia asks, somewhat curious.

"Trust me, it's fun. Here is the general description:"

**Cards Against Humanity is a party game for horrible people. Unlike most of the party games you've played before, Cards Against Humanity is as despicable and awkward as you and your friends.**

**The game is simple. Each round, one player asks a question from a black card, and everyone else answers with their funniest white card**.

"See, simple!" Frenzy tells Lucrezia with glee.

"We're not horrible people," Leonardo thinks out loud. He receives glares from all around. "Well, not that horrible."

"You're probably the most normal one around here," Adéwalé says to Leonardo, revealing a sad truth. He receives murmurs of agreement from everyone and an 'aye' from Blackbeard.

"Tis a shame indeed. Since I counted about thirty-three people this time around, I will make groups of six. I will participate in each round, making the groups seven people. Three people will play a second time around in order to fulfill the six-person group," Frenzy explains. "All righty then, who's ready to play?" A few people raise their hands to show they're ready, but others look hesitant.

"Well, who's going to be in the first group?" Clay asks impatiently, hoping to get this out of the way.

"Lucrezia, Leonardo, Rebecca, Altaïr, Haytham, myself, and you," Frenzy answers, watching the reactions of everyone chosen.

"Something tells me this will not end well," Haytham mutters.

"Do you really expect otherwise?"

* * *

A few minutes pass as the stage is set up for the game. A half-round table is set up with seven chairs placed around the table's curve. On the table is a stack of white cards and another stack for the black cards. The lighting is dimmed slightly as the players walk to their respective chairs. They sit in a short silence, though Frenzy is the first to speak.

"Now everyone, I'm going to pass out ten white cards per person. These cards will be used to either fill in the blank for a black card or answer the latter's question in a humorous fashion," Frenzy begins to explain. "I will be the first to read a black card and each of you must give your funniest white card to me. Whoever has the funniest card will receive the black card. The first person with four black cards will win the game."

"What if we don't have a satisfying card?" Leonardo questions.

"Then you'll draw from the stack. Also, when you give a white card, you have to replace it by drawing from the stack. Everyone understand?" The players nod, indicating that they are ready to play. "Okay, as I said earlier, I'll be going first: my black card says, _'_! It's a trap!'_ Now, give me your funniest white card."

"Oh dear God," Altaïr says as he reads his card, earning murmurs of agreement. Everyone turns in a card, their faces slightly red.

"Okay now, let's get started!" Frenzy announces sickeningly happily. "Ahem, _Five-Dollar Footlongs. It's a trap!_ " She manages to say this before bursting out into laughter. "Okay, okay. _My humps. It's a trap!_ "

"Oh my God! Who the hell had that one?" Clay asks, barely understandable from his wheezing.

"I don't know. Moving on, _Whipping it out. It's a trap!"_

"What does that mean?" Lucrezia inquires innocently. Frenzy whispers it to the blonde, her jaw becoming slack from the answer. "I-I don't know how to process that."

"You'll learn. Seriously, I've got three more of these to read," the hostess tells the group in a serious voice. " _The South. It's a trap! The Boy Scouts of America! It's a trap! 72 virgins. It's a trap!_ "

"Wow, this is for horrible people," Leonardo admits.

"It sure is," Haytham agrees. "So, who won?"

"I'm thinking," Frenzy answers. "Who had _Five-Dollar Footlongs_?"

"I did," Altaïr says plainly. "So I get the black card, right?" Frenzy nods, handing him the card.

"Damn, I thought _My Humps_ would win," Clay admits.

"Of course you did." The blond looks at the young hostess with a dirty glare, the latter shrugging in response. "Anyway, the person reading the card will sit to the left of the previous reader. In my case, this person will be Rebecca," the hostess announces. The noirette raises a brow in intrigue.

"This will definitely be interesting," Rebecca states to herself. "My black card says, _'What's that sound?'_ " Each player gives their card and draws another to replace it.

"I can't wait to hear these," Haytham mutters sarcastically.

" _Stephen Hawking talking dirty._ This could easily win right here. _What's that sound? Overcompensation._ "

"Oh sweet baby Yeezus!" Frenzy chokes, falling to the ground from laughing.

"It wasn't that funny," Altaïr deadpans.

"Yeah it was," Clay retorts.

" _What's that sound? It's dirge,_ " Rebecca quotes, confusion lacing her voice. "Why does this have handwriting on it?" Everyone turns their head to the teenager.

"It's an inside joke. And I thought it would be slightly funny."

"Lucky for you, I know what a dirge is, so I figured it out. Let's continue, shall we? _What's that sound? Doin' it in the butt,_ " Rebecca chokes on that answer from surprise. Everyone else's jaws went slack.

"That is just nasty," Haytham shudders.

"It really is," Frenzy agrees. "Before you give me any looks, just watch the first episode of the Tudors. You'll understand."

"I'm not going to even ask," Rebecca says hesitantly. "Moving on, I've got two more of these. _What's that sound? Bitches._ Last but not least, _What's that sound? A bitch slap._ The winner is the card with _Stephen Hawking talking dirty._ "

"Yes!" Clay quietly celebrates, doing a fist bump. "The card is mine!"

"Next person is... Clay Kaczmarek," Rebecca states in disbelief.

"Oh joy," Altaïr mutters sarcastically.

"That was probably the most enthusiastic thing you've said," Frenzy shoots back.

"May I read my card please?" Clay interrupts, hoping to read his card. The room goes silent, which satisfies the blonde. "Thank you. The card says, _'_. High five, bro.'_ When you're ready, hand in your white cards." Frenzy was the first to hand in a card, followed by everyone else almost simultaneously.

"That was more difficult than I thought," Haytham thinks out loud.

"Indeed. Ahem, _A sassy black woman. High five, bro. Masturbation. High five bro. Tasteful sideboob. High five, bro. Incest._ I'm not finishing that," Clay shudders from the card. Frenzy knowingly glares at Lucrezia.

"Why are you glaring at me?" Lucrezia asks, truly unsure.

"You know what you did with Cesare," Frenzy deadpans.

"How do you know this?"

"I'm a fangirl: I'm supposed to know this."

"I'm just gonna go on and finish reading here," Clay says, completely ignoring the shenanigans. " _Smegma. High five, bro. Cards Against Humanity. High five, bro_. I'm just gonna say that Incest is not winning and I don't know what Smegma is. Masturbation is inappropriate. Who had Tasteful sideboob? Whoever had that wins the round."

"Yes! Hee hee hee hee hee," Frenzy chuckled creepily.

"And they call me mentally unstable," Clay murmurs to Rebecca.

"Heard that!" Frenzy snatched the card, an action from her being offended.

* * *

*Time skip brought to you by Frenzy and the contestants' tomfoolery*

* * *

"So now, let's hear the results so far: Haytham, Rebecca, Altaïr, and I each have two cards," the hostess announces, "and Leonardo, Clay, and Lucrezia each have three. Hopefully, this will be the last card will be the last round for this group."

"Thank God," Clay partially jokes.

"Haytham, your turn to read."

"Oh joy!" The Templar sarcastically sings. "_: good to the last drop. Uh oh."

"You can say that again," Frenzy chuckles darkly as she hands in her card. Haytham's eyes widen as he reads her card. He looks back up at her as she shows off another shit-eating grin. He was about to say something when he receives a card from Clay, followed by Rebecca.

"You are absolutely sick," Haytham spits in disgust to the trio, though he receives a card from the other three. They each had a smirk on their faces.

"I can't wait," Clay says with a smile masking his face.

"Oh dear, let's just get this out of the way," the Templar sighs. "Sexual peeing: good to the last drop."

"Ew," Altaïr cringes, his face contorting.

"An endless stream of diarrhea: good to the last drop."

"Where's the bucket?" Lucrezia asks, holding her stomach.

"AXE Body Spray: good to the last drop. Finally, a normal one," Haytham exhales in relief. "Alcoholism: good to the last drop. The Trail of Tears: good to the last drop."

"That is just sad," Clay admits as he takes a sip of water.

"Last but not least, _Pac-Man uncontrollably guzzling cum: good to the last drop_." At this moment, the left side of the table (Frenzy, Clay, Rebecca, and Leonardo) burst into laughter. Haytham looks at the four in disbelief, shaking his head.

"Whose card is that?" Lucrezia asks skeptically.

"Frenzy's," Haytham answers monotonously.

"Seems legit," Rebecca manages to cough out from her coughing.

"Wait, what is Pac-Man?" the blonde asks.

"A video game character," Haytham answers. "She talked about it during the break."

"Since we know what that is now, who won?" Altaïr asks in a exasperated voice.

" _'AXE Body Spray.'_ "

"I won," Lucrezia squeals.

"My personality is rubbing off on you," Frenzy teases.

"We all do stupid things, let's move on."

"Right. The next group includes Shaun Hastings, Edward Kenway, Deborah Carter, Shay Cormac, Maria Thorpe, myself, and Niccolò Machiavelli!" Frenzy announces, singing Machiavelli's name. "We'll be right back folks!"


	8. Commercials. Actual Commercial

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was actually a Halloween chapter, so forgive me for publishing it a week from Christmas.
> 
> MewMew: Thanks!

"And cut," the cameraman shouts, preparing for the commercials.

"Everyone gather around," Frenzy shouts to the contestants off-stage. They gather around her as she prepares to speak again. "Are we ready for the commercials?"

"Oh, so  _now_ you want us to be in the commercials again?" Shaun asks in a pompous voice.

"Look, I know you guys got tired of doing them, so I let you have a break," Frenzy explains herself. "But today, these commercials are especially important."

"You say that every time," Clay states flatly.

"I'm seriously here. Yes, I actually mean 'seriously.' We are going to give thanks to some people here, and give some general warnings."

"Wow, I never thought you could be so selfless," the historian gasps in mock surprise, earning a glare from the young hostess.

"Whatever. Now, who's with me?" Frenzy asks her contestants, waiting for an answer.

"Why not?" Daniel replies, later followed by everyone else reluctantly saying yes.

"Great. Now, let's excelsior!"

* * *

The scene has changed from its ice blue blue color to an ivory stage with tiled flooring. The room is darkened, though there is an overhead light in the middle of the room, showing a small section of the stage. Clay Kaczmarek walks into the middle of the stage, preparing to speak. Once he begins to speak, he walks and the camera moves with him, as well as the light.

"Hello folks, my name is Clay and I need to talk to about a very dire situation in the world of games shows and other types of fanfiction. It's called a Mary Sue." He finishes speaking and the light ceases movement. After he is off the stage, Altaïr walks up.

"The Mary Sue is a dangerous entity that can destroy lives," He states in a stern voice. "She can disrupt canon and she can disrupt you." He continues to walk as Claudia appears.

"She is known for her clichés and manages to get away with anything. She usually has good looks with everyone as her best friend," Claudia informs. "Everything about her is impractical, yet she never suffers a consequence." Deborah walks up behind her and the perspective changes to face her directly.

"Her looks are her weapon, for the most part. She may appear to be a sweet young thing, though looks are always deceiving," Deborah's fist gently hits her fist against her open palm. "She uses a pity story to drag you in, usually saying that she was severely tortured and the trauma was too much. This is the beginning sign for a canon character's rupture. A normally stern person will greatly soften and act as if said Sue were the greatest person who ever lived." She continues to stay in motion as Caterina walks behind her, having the camera follow the Italian. The perspective does not change, letting us see her profile.

"She appears more often than one might believe," the redhead says, her face stern. "The Mary Sue can take many forms, and we even have our Mary Sue. Let's introduce our young hostess, IcedFireFrenzy." The Countess of Forlì walks off the stage as the teen shows herself.

"Hello, my pseudonym is IcedFireFrenzy, though my preferred nickname is Frenzy," the hostess introduces herself. "And I'm a Mary Sue, to be specific a self-insert due to being the subconscious of the real Frenzy. I'm exactly like her in every way, but I'm living out a partially twisted fantasy. While I am a Sue, on the spectrum, I'm quite normal. I suffer consequences, I have crappy eyesight, I have a somewhat normal life, and I'm nowhere  _near_  perfect. Try to keep up!" She begins to walk, leading to some sort of exhibit. Each picture is has an overhead light illuminating it.

"Each picture is of a Mary Sue," Frenzy begins to inform. "See how each girl is unbelievably beautiful? These are classic examples of Mary Sues." She points at the first picture, especially around the eyes. "This girl's eyes are multicolored, and they are naturally like this. Her cheekbones are hauntingly perfect while wearing a somewhat skimpy outfit with eight inch heels. She looks like she's 21, right?" The hostess pauses briefly. "She is only 17. She is supposed to be an amateur fighter, yet she fights as if she were trained her whole life. Let's move on, shall we?" The camera follows her as she continues.

"This picture shows another 17 year old, this time with a familiar character: a normally stern faced Altaïr. He is smiling. Smiling! In the story in which she is featured she travels back in time, meets Altaïr, tells a pity story, falls in love, and has sex with her in the most graphic way ever described with an M rating. I also forgot that she becomes an Assassin without having to lose her finger, despite living in the thirteenth century and that Altair is actually married to Maria Thorpe." She walks farther to her original spot.

"The main reason for this infomercial is to warn you guys of the danger behind the Mary Sue." She finishes as Thorpe makes her place beside her.

"My character has been slightly corrupted by this young girl," the British woman admits. "I have said words that I didn't know have existed until I first came here."

"I only helped to corrupt you; besides, you were already corrupted. Didn't you sleep with Altaïr in a haystack?" Frenzy challenges with a smirk growing slowly onto her face.

"You really know too much. But really, they could corrupt me even further," Maria looks down on the hostess, slightly glaring as she says the last part, "but I am not the only one. Anyone on this show could be corrupted, and no one knows who's next." The contestants surround the two ladies.

"Mary Sues are a problem that could destroy the very integrity of the literature world," Haytham says, following the script.

"So that's why we need your help here," Adéwalé announces. "With just one petition, you could save us all from the ultimate corruption."

"You could even save us Mary Sues from ourselves," Frenzy finishes for the quartermaster. "We cannot let ourselves destroy the world of both fanfiction and literature."

"It may too late for some stories, but that doesn't mean we can't help the others," Altaïr begins.

"So please, save the literary universe," Daniel says, "because I don't this entity to ruin me; the Bleeding Effect has done for me."

"And me," Clay mutters loud enough to be heard.

"Don't forget me," Desmond says aloud.

"See folks? We just one signature to save one character at a time," Frenzy continues. "We thank you for your support."

"The Mary Sue Foundation: Fixing People One Signature at a Time," the announcer of the show says, saying something for the first time since the show began. The scene fades to black after zooming out.

"And cut," the cameraman says, turning off the camera temporarily.

"Great folks!" Frenzy raises her voice. "I think we nailed it."

"I think so too," Maria says, "but did I really have to say that I was slightly corrupted?"

"But you are."

"Whatever. So, when will the next one begin?"

"After we all dress in black."

"Why do we have to dress in black?" Desmond inquires, his eyebrow arched.

"'Cause Carl Sagan. But seriously, this commercial calls for it, I am sure that no one wants to wear a costume," the hostess answers. "Now, up and atom!"

* * *

The scene is surrounded by lit jack-o-lanterns and rose wood tables. Black candelabras rest on them, their ivory tapers ablaze with a warming glow. A chandelier hangs from the ceiling with cobwebs in some spaces. The modern day Assassins and Templars walk up with Frenzy to the middle of the stage, wearing black variations of their outfits.

"Hello folks! This is IcedFireFrenzy here wishing you guys a Happy Belated Halloween and Happy Dio de Los Muertos!" Frenzy says gleefully.

"How is it November already?" Asks a rather confused Shaun. "I mean, wasn't it just August?"

"In all technicality, yes, but this is  _my_ universe, where absolutely nothing makes sense."

"You don't say?" Lucy says sarcastically. "But anyway, we all wish the best for you guys and I hope you don't get diabetes from all your candy."

"Or do you?" Frenzy asks, smirking. "Come on, they could unlock Type III Diabeetus!"

"That was extremely offensive to those that, I don't know, actually have diabetes," Shaun informs the hostess, earning nods of agreement from everyone else.

"Whatever. I'll probably have to send an apology to everyone out there watching. Really though, I hope your Halloween was spectacular. Bye-bye!" Everyone on the stage waves as the camera zooms out and the scene fades to black. _  
_

"And cut," the cameraman exclaims.

"Weren't we supposed to give thanks?" Clay asks.

"I ran out of time," Frenzy answers pathetically, "but we need to set up for the games now, so let's go!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm a cheap bastard. I actually created infomercials for this. Next chapter will actually have some more CAH.
> 
> But really, help save the literary world from Mary Sues. It only takes one signature.


	9. Assassins Against CAH and Body Parts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to add another one after this to make up for not updating earlier.

The stage is back to its normal setup, though the lights are dimmed. A crescent shaped table is in the center of the stage with seven chairs surrounding it and the Cards Against Humanity set resting on it. Frenzy and the next chosen contestants appear and sit in their respective chairs, with the hostess in the middle.

"We're back folks!" Frenzy shouts a little too loudly. "God, those commercials actually had meaning for once."

"Yet you still didn't thank people, you just tried to scam them for a signature," Shaun huffs from one end of the table.

"I only did it for a good reason. Now, our other contestants here are Maria Thorpe, Deborah Carter, Shay Cormac, Edward Kenway, and Machiavelli. They are all somewhat prepared to play and they have been warned. They also know the rules, so let the gaming commence! As usual, I'll be the one starting." Frenzy clears her throat as everyone picks up their cards.

"Everyone ready?" She asks, everyone nodding silently. "Great! My card reads, 'What left this stain on my couch?'"

"Oh God," the historian mutters to himself as he turns in his card, shortly followed by everyone else. Frenzy collects the cards with a sickening grin plastered on her face.

" _What left this stain on my couch? A dollop of sour cream._ Huh, something normal," Frenzy begins.

" _What left this stain on my couch? Double penetration_."

"Yikes," Edward hisses to himself.

" _What left this stain on my couch? Fuck Mountain_."

"Don't tell me there's an actual mountain named that," Maria sputters through shock and laughter.

"Of course not, to think that is just absolutely preposterous," Shaun answers seriously. Maria was about to answer when Frenzy speaks up.

"She was being facetious, Brodysseus. I mean, you can see her holding in her laughter." The historian stares at the hostess, looking unimpressed. "Moving on," Frenzy exaggerates the last sentence, " _What left this stain on my couch? Me._ Seems legit."

"What kind of stain are we talking here exactly? Well, at least for this specific white card," Deborah asks cautiously, though her only answer was a troll face. She would eventually come to a rather disgusting conclusion and would shudder from her thought.

" _What left this stain on my couch? A sweaty, panting leather daddy. _ _What left this stain on my couch? Some really fucked-up shit._ There's round one done, now I just need to think of the winner," the hostess' tone changes as she went from announcing to thinking.

"I think  _Some really fucked-up shit should_  win," Edward admits honestly.

"Of course you would," Shay shoots, earning a few 'oohs' from the audience.

"Who had  _Double penetration_?" Frenzy asks, waiting for a response. Shaun raises his hand slowly, watching the reactions of everyone at the table.

"I declare bullshit!" Someone from the back of the studios shouts, most likely one of the contestants.

"Shut up you rando!" Frenzy raises her voice to that person. Once she is done, she moves on as if nothing had happened. "Shaun, since you won this somehow, you get to keep the black card." The Brit takes the card from her and sits quietly. "Next person to read will the person sitting to the left of me," she pauses to look to her left, "and that person is Niccolò Machiavelli! Let's give a round of applause everyone!" She stands up and begins to clap, eventually getting the audience to applaud. She takes her seat and give the next reader his card. "So, sup Mach?"

"Don't you ever call me 'Mach,'" he glowers at her, causing her to slightly cower. "That's all it takes for you to lose your façade? If I had known that, I would've done it long ago."

"Just remember that this is my show and I'm the Mary Sue here, so don't think you have some authority," Frenzy defends herself as she tries to regain her pride. "Just, read already," she shuts herself up, rather exasperated.

"Good.  _The Five Stages of Grief: denial, anger, bargaining, _, and acceptance._ Go," the mentor announces, waiting for the cards. Shay and Frenzy hand in their cards simultaneously, shortly followed by Edward and Deborah. Maria turns in her card right before Shaun.

"This oughta be fun," Frenzy says under her breath.

" _The Five Stages of Grief: denial, anger, bargaining, existing, and acceptance. _

_"T_ _he Five Stages of Grief: denial, anger, bargaining, scrotal frostbite, and acceptance._" At this moment, the men cross their legs while Frenzy fails at containing her laughter.

"Oh God, I think I just ruptured my spleen from laughing!" The hostess manages to say through her wheezing and crying. Within a few minutes, she gets a hold of herself and pretends that the event never happened. "Umm, that never happened, okay?"

"It happened, but I'll ignore it for your sake," Machiavelli says with hesitance. "Now where was I? Right,  _The Five Stages of Grief: denial, anger, bargaining, the Google, and acceptance._

_"The Five Stages of Grief: denial, anger, bargaining, power, and acceptance._

_"The Five Stages of Grief: denial, anger, bargaining, i ntimacy problems, and acceptance._

"Last but not least,  _The Five Stages of Grief: denial, anger, bargaining, Chuck Norris, and acceptance_. Wow, that just sucked."

"You don't say," Frenzy says sarcastically in a derp-like voice with her eyes crossed.

"This is tedious," Shaum grumbles to himself.

"Who had  _Scrotal frostbite_? " Asks the diplomat. The hostess' smile becomes slightly crooked as a throaty chuckle slips through her lightly gritted teeth. The contestants' head slowly turn to face her, looks of confusion and disgust growing slowly.

"I believe that this is my card, Telemachiavelli," she purrs, taking her black card from the diplomat's hand.

"Telemachiavelli?" Edward asks, rather confused.

"Never watch Assassin's Creed stuff under the influence of the _Odyssey_. Anyway, next up is Maria Thorpe!" She claps for the female and waits for her to grab a black card. The Brit grabs her card and prepares to read it.

" _In his newest and most difficult stunt, David Blaine must escape from _._  Oh dear God, this will not end well," Maria reads and mutters, her tone changing within the sentences. Nearly everyone turns in their cards simultaneously, each wearing a smirk. Maria's frown deepens as she collects the white cards.

" _In his newest and most difficult stunt, David Blaine must escape from the mere concept of Applebee's_." Frenzy disguises her laugh as a sneeze, receiving looks for the interruption. She merely shrugs and sits quietly.

_"In his newest and most difficult stunt, David Blaine must escape from an unhinged ferris wheel rolling towards the sea._

_"In his newest and most difficult stunt, David Blaine must escape from Hillary Clinton's death stare._"

"Lol!" Frenzy shouts shortly before bursting into laughter once more. "These are just hystericles!"

"Will you stop making up words already? It's getting annoying," Machiavelli sighs.

"Possibly," says the hostess. "Now, let's get back on track, eh?"

"Good," Maria says.

" _In his newest and most difficult stunt, David Blaine must escape from a slightly shittier parallel universe."_

 

"Like this one?" the same audience member shouts.

"Fight me, strumpet!" Frenzy shouts across the stage, knocking over her chair from standing quickly. Everyone looks at her oddly, though she only grabs her chair and sits back down.

" _In his newest and most difficult stunt, David Blaine must escape from whining like a little bitch,_" Maria continues, ignoring the shenanigans.

_"In his newest and most difficult stunt, David Blaine must escape from taking a man's eyes and balls out and putting his eyes where his balls go and then his balls in the eye holes._ " Maria's eyes widen as she read that card. Everyone at that table winces after hearing the last word.

"Yeah, that's  _totally_ not morbid," Shaun says sarcastically.

" _You're_ totally not normal—er, morbid," Frenzy says, failing to insult the historian. "Please ignore that. I need to try again at a later point." By now, the silence that had filled the room had become tense and awkward.

" _Whining like a little bitch_  is the winner," Maria breaks the silence, her voice quiet.

"I'll just take that card now," Edward states casually, walking up to her and slipping it out of her hand. He walks back to his seat with a sly smile on his face.

"So we know who won now," Frenzy shrugs. "Next is our one Templar of the round, Shay Cormac." The 18th century man arches his eyebrow.

"Oh joy," Shay grumbles, grabbing a black card.

" _Blank. I'd hit that._  Oh Jesus." Everyone turns in their cards, though Frenzy works hard to contain her laughter. Once their cards are in, they draw new white cards. The Templar clears his throat as he prepares to read.

" _Genghis Khan. I'd hit that_."

"Altaïr killed him before I had the chance," Maria jokes, earning a few chuckles.

"What?!" The Syrian shouts from the audience seating.

"It's a joke!" Frenzy shouts. Altaïr is now quiet, though he is talking to himself in his mind. "That's better. You may continue, Shay."

"Thank you," Shay sincerely expresses.

" _The shambling corpse of Larry King. I'd hit that._

" _Lindsay Lohan at 55. I'd hit that._

_" Sperm whales. I'd hit that._

_" Enormous Scandinavian Women. I'd hit that._

_" Men. I'd hit that_. I quit humanity," Shay sighs, thinking of the winner.

"That was the best round yet," Edward says contentedly.

"Indeed-a-roo!" Frenzy agrees. Everyone gives her a look of confusion. "What?" They look away. The hostess sighs and looks down.

" _Sperm whales_  wins," Shay announces.

"Frenzy wins. Bestiality," the announcer says in a Mortal Kombat-like fashion.

"What the hell?" Everyone but Frenzy asks, distracted and confused. As the contestants look around for the noise, the teenager walks up to Shay and swiftly takes the card from him. Once she sits down, everyone else forgets the announcer.

"Next up is Shaun Hastings, who is on the other side of the table and facing Shay," Frenzy states as he grabs a black card.

" _What is Batman's guilty pleasure?_ " Shaun reads. Everyone turns in their cards with a twinkle in their eyes.

" _What is Batman's guilty pleasure? Bitches. _ _What is Batman's guilty pleasure? BATMAN!" _The answer is said in a Batman voice, causing the hostess to burst into laughter once more. "What now?" He asks impatiently.

"British Batman," Frenzy answers with her fist hitting the table as she continues to laugh. The audience laughs with her, though the historian merely rolls his eyes and continues to read.

" _What is Batman's guilty pleasure? 50,000 volts straight to the nipples._" At this, everyone winces.

" _What is Batman's guilty pleasure? Not wearing pants._ _What is Batman's guilty pleasure? Ethnic cleansing._ I'll just say this now, this is NOT winning," Shaun exclaims angrily. A few 'awws' are heard in the background.

" _What is Batman's guilty pleasure? Glory holes_. I don't know how to feel about these answers," Shaun finishes.

"I thought all of these were funny," Edward shrugs, earning murmurs of agreement from everyone.

"My ribs hurt," Frenzy thinks aloud.

"That may be because you were laughing like a rabid jackal," Deborah replies flatly.

"The winner is  _50,000 volts straight to the nipples_ ," Shaun announces.

"Holy crap, I didn't think I'd win," Deborah says aloud, taking her card from the Brit.

"Next up is Edward Kenway!" Frenzy declares. She waits for the pirate to take a card.

" _What's my secret power?_ " Edward reads. Everyone hands in their cards, quickly drawing new cards.

" _What's my secret power? YOU MUST CONSTRUCT ADDITIONAL PYLONS."_

_"What's my secret power? Queefing._

_"What's my secret power? My vagina._

_"What's my secret power? Toni Morrison's vagina._ If I get  _one_  more damn thing about vaginas, I'm gonna implode," Edward exclaims. He clears his throat and continues to read.

" _What's my secret power? Menstrual rage_. That's it, I quit." The pirate drops the cards and storms off the stage.

"No, don't go! That was surprisingly funny!" Frenzy shouts to him, running off after him. After she sprints, Haytham walks up in make-up, a poofy pink dress, and heels. His face displays his anger and his arms are crossed.

"I got attacked by determined fangirls," Haytham says before anyone had the chance to ask. "They turned me into a woman! They even curled my hair and shaved my legs!" He points to his now curly hair. "Just look at me!" He exclaims angrily as he twirls, making the dress flare even more. It was at this moment that Frenzy walks back, her glasses in one hand and her head in the other. She looks up in confusion as Haytham is now in female clothing.

"What the hell?" She giggles. She sniffles a little, indicating that she was crying slightly. Her giggling turns into a full blown laugh and she falls onto the floor, laughing maniacally. Her laugh is later accompanied by crying, causing the Templar Grandmaster to roll his eyes.

"Are you going to do something about this?" He asks irately. She merely takes out her iPod Touch and takes a picture of him. She stands back up and makes her announcements.

"First, we will have to end the round due to Edward rage-quitting. He told me that  _Menstrual rage  _had won." Frenzy says.

"Man, I was on a roll!" Deborah exclaims in the background, interrupting the hostess.

"Second, I learned that we have three more people: William Miles, Anne Bonny, and Achilles Davenport. Third, I have changed the lineup slightly to acquaintance ourselves with the newcomers. Fourth, we are going to leave Haytham in this outfit for the sake of one of our watchers!" She finishes, everyone's jaws slack.

"WHAT?" Desmond and Haytham shout, unsure of how to feel. Frenzy merely grins evilly.

"Before we go to commercials, the lineup is now Ezio Auditore, Desmond Miles, Mary Read, Achilles Davenport, William Miles, and Anne Bonny. See you folks after these shitty commercials!"


	10. Christmas or Saturnalia?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I meant to upload this on December 19, the day when people give gifts during the week of Saturnalia.
> 
> Anyway, here's a nice little holiday treat!

"Welcome back everyone!" Frenzy announces. The set is decked for the holidays with the floor now covered with fake snow and the lights changed from ice blue to a warm red. The seats are row red and white striped and everyone is dressed for the holidays, either in elf suits or holiday-colored variations of their outfits. Frenzy and the females dress as elves while the majority of the men wear holiday versions of their outfits. The modern-day men wear ugly sweaters. "How is everybody doing?"

"Why do we have to wear these ridiculous costumes?" Cristina complains.

"Come on, they're cute," Rebecca replies optimistically.

"I agree with Cristina here," Shaun pipes up. "I mean, these sweaters are itchy."

"But it's the howidays," Frenzy retorts in a baby voice. "Now be festive dammit!"

"I'm not even Christian!" Altaïr points out with a few others agreeing.

"So? You can celebrate Festivus for the Rest of Us; it'll be coming up soon," Frenzy responds. "We can air some grievances or something."

"What's a Festivus?" Asked Desmond.

"What."

"Seriously, I've never heard of it. I'm sure others haven't either."

"That's because most of them don't even know what a television is," Frenzy says monotonously. "Nevermind that, let's just do something run!"

"Run?" Shaun asks incredulously. "Don't you mean 'fun'?"

"Yes I did, sorry about that," Frenzy apologizes, her head hanging low. "Oh crap! I forgot that I still had some announcements!"

"How do you forget?" Clay asks teasingly.

"I don't know, I just did," the hostess weakly defends herself. "First off, let's welcome back Lucy Stillman, who was locked in the closet!" The sleeper agent walks onto the stage and she takes a seat with a pout on her face. "Come on, cheer up!" For this, she receives a death glare.

"You kept me in a damn closet," the blonde growled dangerously. The hostess raises her hands in defense.

"So," Frenzy draws out the vowel, "I'll take that as a no. Secondly, I mentioned earlier that we would have three new guests. Everyone, let's welcome our vixen Anne Bonny and former mentors William Miles and Achilles Davenport!" Anne is the first to walk out, followed by the mentors. They each take their seats next to modern-day Assassins and Templars. Even with the mostly jolly mood, tension begins to grow.

"Dad," Desmond greets disdainfully.

"Desmond," William replies in the same tone.

"God, it feels just like the holidays," Clay muses aloud.

"All we're missing is the booze," Frenzy chuckles.

"Booze?" Edward asks.

"We've got eggnog!" A staff member walks out in an elf outfit as she moves a festive tray with cups and spiked eggnog. There was another tray moved by another worker full of normal eggnog for the non-drinkers and Frenzy.

"There it is!" The teen squeals excitedly before clearing her throat. "I mean, there it is." Most of the contestants cheer and stand up to get the drink. In the background, Christmas music begins to play and the lights dim. The Christmas lights plug in as well as the tree, giving the room an even more festive look.

"Happy Holidays, everyone!" The hostess shouts.

"We're done here?" Clay asks happily.

"For the moment, but we are going to go on commercial for a split second, and then we are going to be festive," Frenzy explains.

"I'm pretty damn festive right now," Edward slurs.

"You're drunk _already_?" Haytham asks in disbelief.

"It's not that uncommon," Blackbeard states while chuckling. He receives a dirty look from the blond pirate.

"Commercial time!" Frenzy shouts before anything could happen.

* * *

"And we're back!" The hostess announces. The stools have been changed to comfier lounge chairs for the contestants. "We are going to have some fun here!"

"You said that _how_ long ago now?" Shaun inquires in an exasperated tone. Frenzy doesn't respond for a minute or so. When the historian was about to speak up again, the hostess throws a ball at him that would open and release a green dust. This "dust" would quickly knock him out.

"What the hell just happened?" Daniel asks, rather confused.

"The Grinch's heart wouldn't grow two sizes today so I put into a short sleep using some Christmas magic," Frenzy explains. "Now he will have visions of sugar plums dancing in his head."

"You are sick, you know that?" Desmond says.

"You're one to talk."

"Whoa, everyone calm down," Anne speaks as she starts standing up. "While I don't celebrate this holiday, we should at least remain in a good mood. Even with a fellow man passed out on the floor, let's be cheery." With this, everyone is silent. Frenzy is the first to break the silence.

"Damn, I never thought we'd ever have a voice of reason," she says. "Thanks Anne. You know what? The holidays are too damn stressful for everyone. Let's not celebrate Christmas." This causes most of the audience to gasp. "Let's celebrate Saturnalia!"

"What?" Half of the contestants ask.

"It's a pagan holiday that takes place on the winter solstice. It would usually last from December 17-25 and would have many amorous and cruel activities. Trees were worshipped by the pagans and would be decorated. There were also huge parties that included alcohol, fights, and orgies."

"Oooh," the audience says.

"Let's do that, just without the orgies and the fighting," Claudia proposes. She earns cheers from everyone on the set.

"Let most of us drink to our hearts' content!" Edward shouts merrily.

"Happy Merry Ho Ho Ho!" Shouts a familiar voice. It was Santa Claus with an Italian accent.

"Since when does Santa have an Italian accent?" Rebecca asks.

"And where's Ezio?" Maria Auditore asks. It is at this that moment where everyone realizes that the Master Assassin was gone. They slowly turn their heads in the Santa's direction and they also realize that he _was_ Santa.

"Oh, I forgot to tell you that we're celebrating Saturnalia," Frenzy now tells the Italian.

"So I'm dressed as... this fat man for nothing?" He responds.

"Yes," a sharp British voice replies. Everyone's heads turn sharply to see that the historian has awakened.

"Look who's awake?" Frenzy says happily. "It's a Saturnalian miracle! See what happens when you celebrate Saturnalia?"

"So we are celebrating a pagan holiday?" Shaun asks.

"Yeah," the majority of the contestants and Frenzy reply.

"Aw, what the hell." With this, everyone in the audience and on the set cheers.

"Now, let us all sing some wonderfully secular song!" Rebecca shouts. Out of nowhere, _All About That Bass_ by Meghan Trainor begins to play and Frenzy becomes irate very fast.

"DAMN IT!" The hostess shouts angrily. She then grabs a green ball full of 'Christmas magic' and smashes it against her forehead, quickly falling to the ground unconscious.

"Well, that happened," Haytham points out the obvious. "Anyway, Merry Christmas and Happy Saturnalia folks!"


	11. Substitute Host

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!
> 
> I'm so sorry I haven't updated this in so long, and I don't have an excuse other than school (and flat out laziness). Anyway, I hope you can forgive me.

"And we're back!" Frenzy announces, though her tone isn't as gleeful as usual.

"Hey, you seem a little down, lass," Anne begins, "are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm okay, but I have some good and bad news." The contestants chatter amongst themselves about the news. They stop once Frenzy clears her throat. "Do you want the good or bad news first?"

"The good news," says Haytham, earning murmurs of agreement.

"Then I'll start with the bad news," the hostess replies, going against the general populace.

"Then why ask us if our opinion was useless?" Altaïr asks.

"I thought you guys would say the bad news first, which would be followed by the good news, which would be followed by the gooder news!" Frenzy purposely states with a grammatical error. A devious smile grows on her face as Shaun's contorts into a look of disgust.

"Did you _really_ just say _gooder_?" Shaun asks in a disapproving tone.

"And your reaction is the goodest of them all," she replies in a sickeningly sweet voice, causing the historian to groan loudly out of frustration. The hostess merely laughs at his anger.

"So," Daniel drawls to break the tension, "what's the good and bad news?"

"Right," Frenzy corrects her behavior. "The bad news is I'm moving away, for I have accepted a new job."

"And this is bad how?" Clay jokes, though he earns an icy glare from the teenager.

"I'm not going to be here anymore," Frenzy whines, her voice laced with anxiety and frustration. "I found a new host for you guys, but I'm really going to miss you."

"Then why are you leaving?" Thorpe questions.

"Personal reasons," was the only excuse the hostess could bring herself to say. "But, I will be able to check up on you everyday via Skype from South Park." Everyone seemed to be satisfied with her answer, so they dropped the topic.

"Who's the new host?" Adéwalé asks.

"Well, that'll be a secret, but she is somewhat similar to me in personality, and just as Mary Sue-ish!" Frenzy replies mirthfully. Most of the contestants groan from hearing the fact that the new hostess will be another Mary Sue.

"Please tell me her looks are average," Claudia sighs. "If she is to be a Mary Sue, don't let her be the Ultra Sue."

"She's okay looking," the hostess answers honestly. "But in the meantime, you'll have a substitute host. And this host, is somewhere in this room." The room begins to fill with whispers about this substitute host. While the contestants and the audience are talking amongst themselves, the teenager leaves the set and goes to another room that controls lighting and audio. The lights on the set dim as the background screen turns from ice blue to white.

"There was a screen there?" Daniel asks, completely oblivious. The people to his sides shrug.

The screen in the background displays a wheel, showing an arrow and the faces of every contestants, old and new. The wheel begins to spin, its speed increasing as time passes. Finally, the wheel stops and a person's face is under the arrow, determining the new substitute host.

"Finally, we have our substitute host!" Frenzy speaks through the intercom, her happiness apparent in her voice. "Our host is... Niccolò Machiavelli?" she asks incredulously. A light shines over Machiavelli's chair, illuminating his figure and the limbs of those next to him.

"Wow, your happiness is brighter than the light above me," Niccolò says sarcastically. A huff is heard through the intercom before the lights shut down down completely, leaving the set in complete darkness. Before long, the intercom is turned on as Frenzy breathes into it, preparing to speak.

" _In the bigynnyng God made of nouyt heuene and erthe._ " Frenzy began to speak, her accent changed to fit the text and language.

"What the hell is she saying?" asks Rebecca, completely confused.

"She's speaking in Middle English," Shaun begins to inform his friend, "specifically, she's reciting John Wycliffe's translation of the Book of Genesis."

 _"Forsothe the erthe was idel and voide, and derknessis weren on the face of depthe; and the Spiryt of the Lord was borun on the_ _watris._

 _"And God seide, Liyt be maad, and liyt was maad."_ At this moment, two claps were heard through the intercom, and the lights turned back on, Frenzy appearing to stand a few yards away from Altaïr's seat. Her left hand was on her hip and her right knee was bent, a slightly smug smile masking her face. Her mouth begins to move as she prepares to speak once more.

 _"And God seiy the liyt, that it was good, and he departide the liyt fro derknessis, and he clepide the liyt, dai, and the derknessis, nyyt. And the euentid and morwetid was maad, o daie,"_ the hostess finishes, though breathing was still heard from the intercom. They look at "Frenzy" with confusion.

"Why is there breathing from the speaker thing when Frenzy is right here?" Maria Thorpe asks.

"Because my voice _is_ coming from the intercom," the teen responds nonchalantly, causing everyone's heads to snap towards her voice. "That, my friends, is merely a hologram."

"What is a hologram?" Leonardo inquires, somewhat curious.

"According to Google, it's a three-dimensional image created by the interference of light beams from lasers. I don't own this definition by any means," Frenzy answers, adding a disclaimer.

"So what was the point of all this?" Achilles asks bluntly.

"The John Wycliffe translation was merely for fun, but it was also to expose your new hostess, which just happens to be my clone."

"Clone?" Every person on the set and in the audience blurts out in shock, taken aback by that announcement.

"I'm a Mary Sue; it's what I do," the hostess says cheekily, rhyming accidentally. "But in the meantime, my clone isn't quite done. Mach, take over for me please, for I'm leaving now." Before the mentor had a chance to respond, the intercom shut off and Frenzy never returned.

"Not even a goodbye," Claudia scoffs. It is at this moment that the screen displays a collage, showing many pictures of the hostess and the contestants, with sad music playing in the background.

"Goodbye, my lovely contestants!" Frenzy's voice shouts from the screen, already prerecorded for this occasion. "You guys were absolutely the best, and you let me live one of my greatest fantasies: hanging out with some of my favorite people. You also let me experience a once-in-a-lifetime thing: being a Mary Sue, which was one of the most fun things. While I move into a new town and a new show, I'll never forget you guys, for you have helped me come out of my shell. So, to everyone, thank you for being a friend. Anyway, I'll miss you guys and I hope you enjoy the rest of these pictures." Everyone goes silent after her small speech, having nothing to say, though more entertaining pictures began to slide in, causing people to recount their time with the young hostess.

"Oh wow, it's Shaun with herpes!" Desmond shouts out as a photo of Shaun holding the herpes plushy appears. Snickers are abound as the historian turns red out of embarrassment.

"And there's a pic with Scorpion impaling me with that kunai," Clay states plainly.

"And there's Frenzy falling out of her seat from laughing so hard," Edward muses. Out of nowhere, Daniel and Haytham cover their mouths in shock as the next and final picture fades in.

"Oh my God," Connor gasps out of amusement.

"Why is my son watering a dress?" Edward growls, glaring at his son.

"Fangirls," Shay chuckles.

"Fangirls."

"Fangirls," Deborah confirms.

"Oh Jaysus," the pirate mutters.

"Indeed," Machiavelli agrees once the slideshow ends. The lights are set back to their original color, as well as the screen. A staff member runs to the Italian with a letter, whispering something in his ear. Niccolò nods as the staff member speaks and walks away. Before the mentor had a chance to speak, Clay raises his hand like a school-child.

"Yes?" says Niccolò to the blond.

"What's in the letter?" asks Clay.

"Instructions," Machiavelli replies as he opens the letter. "Apparently, Cards Against Humanity will return, and the lineup had changed: William has been switched with Edward Thatch."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Translation: In the beginning God made Heaven and Earth out of nothing. Indeed the Earth was idle and void, and darkness was on the face of depth; and the Lord's Spirit was born on the water. And God said, let there be light, and light was made. And God said that the light was good, and He departed the light from the darkness, and he called the light, day, and the darkness, night. And the evening and morning was created from day.
> 
> Anyway, how do you like the idea of Machiavelli being a temporary host? If you want, you can share your opinion! If you like to, you could even share some ideas of your own!


	12. May Caesar and Shakespeare Be Offended

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, with this chapter being posted, the AO3 version of Games for Everyone is officially caught up to the one on FanFiction.net!

"And we're back!" says a random staff member, as opposed to Machiavelli. The contestants gave her a look of confusion for saying Frenzy's line.

"Who are you?" Machiavelli asks, looking at her suspiciously.

"A staff member?" she replies unsurely.

"He means yer name, lass," Anne adds.

"Aoibheann. My name is Aoibheann."

"EE-van? What the hell?" Desmond asks incredulously. "How would even spell that? Would you spell it E-V-A-N?"

"It's an Irish name," Shaun answers, his thumb and index finger pinching the bridge of his nose, "and that's not even close to the spelling."

"The spelling is definitely interesting," Aoibheann says, uncertainty still lacing her voice.

"Irish people," Desmond says, receiving looks from the Irish people. He stared back at them, creating tension and an awkward silence.

"Okay then," the staff member says, breaking the awkward silence. "The reason I'm up here is because Frenzy sent me a letter to say that Cards Against Humanity will be discontinued temporarily." She stops to take out the letter from her pants pocket and open it. "However, it will be replaced with parodies and other stupid games!" Aoibheann says, jumping in the air and tossing the letter. The contestants look at her as if she were an alien. She composes herself, straightens her uniform, and picks up the letter. "Also, we may or may not be receiving more contestants, Twister, and fanfiction." At this, the contestants groan.

" _More_ fanfiction?" Clay whines. "I thought we were done with that shit!"

"Fanfiction?" asks Anne.

"Fanfiction," Mary repeats.

"Should I even ask?" the Irishwoman says skeptically.

"With our luck, you'll learn today," Daniel replies, slightly unsure.

"This is going to be interesting," Achilles says aloud. The others look at him, not expecting him to speak. "The staring is not necessary."

"We know," says Rebecca.

"Then why are you staring? You act as if I'm a Templar." In the background, a snap can be heard from Aoibheann, causing everyone's attention to be turned to her.

"Come on, that was a sick burn!" she replies to defend herself, shrugging in the process.

"It was when you think about it," Desmond half-heartedly agrees.

"Could someone explain to me what a 'sick burn' is?" Leonardo pipes up.

"Basically, it's verbally dissing or insulting someone without the chance of rebuttal," Rebecca explains. "Just think of it as a slightly more hurtful sassy comment."

"So every sassy comment that the Kenways have been saying could count as burns?" inquires Blackbeard, causing the Kenways' heads to whip towards him, pointed looks and sharp eyes glaring at him.

"Shaun's too, to an extent," answers the technician.

"Since when can Shaun's comments count as sassy?" Daniel asks jokingly. Aoibheann can be heard laughing and saying "Burn!" in the background.

"Now that," Rebecca pauses for a hot second, "that an epic burn."

"Damn!" Desmond exclaims, "I never knew Templars knew their way around words like that!"

"Oh, burn of epic proportions right there!" Aoibheann says, now holding her sides from laughing hard.

"Okay, can we just get on with this here?" William snaps after being silent for so long. "I mean Aoibheann here came with some news, and somehow we went from announcements to just plain stupidity! You guys are supposed to be adults men and women, and you're acting like a bunch of children! Some of you are the most respected Assassins and Templars this world has ever seen; fucking act like it!" the former mentor's outburst stunned everyone into silence, creating a pregnant pause; the only sound was someone clearing their throat.

"So," Desmond drawls, breaking the sound of silence, "did my father just acknowledge a couple of Templars in a good light?"

" _That's_ what you got from this whole thing?" Shaun asks in disbelief.

"Shaun," Lucy says in a warning tone.

"No, l-let me say this. Your father just called us children, and the only thing you focus on is that he called a Templar or two respectable. Now that's sad."

"He's right, you know," Cristina agrees. "We have been acting silly, and we haven't let the poor staff member finish what she was going to say." Everyone on the stage looks at her, though they know she was right. Some even bowed their heads in shame.

"Would you like to finish, or would you like Niccolò to continue his job?" Leonardo asked, looking at the young staff member. She returned a look of confusion before realizing what he meant.

"I want to feel slightly offended that you may or may not have implied that I took his job, but I know you meant no harm by your statement," Aoibheann muses. "Anyway, I'll introduce the new folks, and then Mach will take over from there."

"Why did you call me 'Mach'?" asks Niccolò, obviously not pleased. "I had this problem with Frenzy, but you too?"

"What's wrong with calling you that?" she says, squirming under his glare. "You know what, I retract my question. Without further ado, let's meet Jacob and Evie Frye!" At this point, the twins walk out onto the stage, looking slightly confused at the amount of people and the modern technology around them, which is mostly the lighting. They take their respective seats near the edge of the stage.

"How did we get here?" Evie asks calmly.

"Through some Mary Sue magic," Aoibheann explains simply.

" 'Mary Sue magic'? " Jacob questions, looking at the staff member suspiciously.

"If you had met Frenzy, she would have explained it all."

"After spewing a bunch of bullshit, of course, but..." Clay mutters under his breath, earning a few chuckles from those around him and looks of agreement from a few others.

"That's not the point, Kaczmarek. Anyway, today w-"

"Are you guys twins?" Desmond asks out of the blue. The Frye twins give him unamused looks.

"Did you _really_ just ask that?" Jacob questions dully. "Is it NOT obvious or something?"

"No, it's obvious, but I uh... nevermind."

"Going back to what I was saying," Aoibheann says, putting the conversation back on track, "we're going to do some parodies!"

"Of what exactly?" asks Evie, her eyes narrowing slightly.

"Of Shakespeare's _Julius Caesar_!"

"Really?" Clay asks, disappointment lacing his voice. "Of all the things we could do, that's the thing you choose? Boo!"

"I chose nothing; this was Frenzy's choice, man," Aoibheann replies, holding her arms up in defense.

"Are we going to get costumes for this?" Haytham inquires.

"Of course you are! Right after you get measured for the perfect fit." With this information, everyone groans.

"We don't even know you; why should we let you and the staff touch us?" asks Connor. "How do we know they won't do anything to harm us?"

"Don't worry; they're nice people. Staff!" The costume people walk out with measuring tape and scissors while other members walk near the contestants, "Move those chairs and lead the contestants to the dressing rooms!" The contestants are forced to stand up once certain staff members begin to move the chairs from under them. The costume crew begins to shove and move the contestants to the dressing rooms, much to their dismay and protests.

"We'll be back shortly, folks!" Aoibheann says between laughs, wiping a tear from her eye after speaking.

* * *

 

"And we're back again!" the staff member announces. The seats are back to normal and the contestants are seated, faces masked with annoyance and hands full with a characters sheet and a script. "So, how are ya guys?"

"Really," Daniel deadpans. "After basically getting violated, you ask us how we are doing?"

"It wasn't that bad." Everyone gives her a flat look, only to receive a shrug in response.

"Yes it was," Desmond says, confirming Daniel's words, "and after glancing through the script, I think that we should nominate Charles Lee as Cassius!"

"What? No!" Charles protests, glaring at the American.

"Nah, let him be Casca," says Connor, watching the Templar's face to through different shades of red from anger, "he seems like the right person to attack Caesar first."

"Half-breed," Charles mutters. Within a moment's time, a book hits the Templar in the head. He grunts loudly and turns to Aoibheann, who was the one responsible for the flying book. "Was that really necessary? And where did you get that book?"

"Calling people half-breeds is not cool," she begins, "so yes, that was necessary. Also, that was my script in a book form. Could someone toss that back to me please and thank you?" Fortunately for the red-head, Mary was close enough to the book; the pirate tossed the book to Aoibheann, only for the staff member to clumsily catch and drop the book. A few chuckles can be heard from the audience and from the staff member herself.

"You know who'd make a great cobbler?" asks Daniel. "Desmond!"

"I second that!" Charles agrees a little too fast.

"Oh?" Desmond drawls, "And what exactly do you mean by that?"

"Well, from what I know about you, you seem competent enough to play a simple cobbler." This being said, Desmond begins to mutter vulgar words and insults in Italian about Charles under his breath, though he is loud enough to be heard by the Italians on the stage. The Auditores turn to look in Desmond's direction while Leonardo and Niccolò exchange looks of shock. La Volpe looks at the American with a smirk on his face, Cristina and Lucrezia give each other looks of confusion, Sofia and Caterina raise their eyebrows, and Rosa is holding her hand to her mouth, failing to suppress her chuckles.

"What is he saying?" Charles asks Haytham.

"I'm not in this," the Grandmaster replies, "but I think I just heard him say something about you being a piece of shit or something of that sort."

"Since when do you speak Italian?" asks Shaun.

"I don't, but one would have to be a fool to not understand that."

"Oh, he just called you a son of a bitch!" Rosa laughs, no longer able to contain it.

"Look, let's settle this quickly," Evie begins, raising her voice and managing to quiet everyone, "Desmond can be the cobbler while Charles can be Flavius."

"Wait, why am I still the cobbler?" asks a rather angry Desmond.

"You seem to be a 'saucy fellow', eh?" The American merely rolls his eyes at her comment, his anger disappearing and a smile creeping onto his face.

"So," the staff member drawls, "do you two want these parts?" Both men nod their heads, though they aren't completely satisfied. "Great! Anyone want to volunteer for a part?"

"I volunteer to be Calpurnia," Lucrezia pipes up.

"I'm willing to be Antony," Shay volunteers.

"I'll be Octavius," Haytham says after a moment.

"Bromance!" Rebecca coughs into her hands, receiving odd looks from the Templars.

"What is a 'bromance'? " asks Haytham.

"You'll learn eventually," Aoibheann chuckles. "Anyone else like to volunteer?"

"I nominate Ezio as Caesar!" Claudia jokes, knowing that Lucrezia is Calpurnia. "And I'll be Portia." Ezio looks at his sister disapprovingly, though a devious smirk creeps onto his face.

"If I am to be Caesar, than I believe that Machiavelli should be Brutus," the Mentor says smoothly, looking at Niccolò as he says his name. The scholar opens his mouth to reply, but shuts it when he realizes that he has nothing to say.

"I'll be the soothsayer," Mary offers.

"Isn't that a man's part?" Edward asks. He receives a look from Mary, causing him to realize the slight stupidity of his question. "Then again, you'll probably play that role just fine."

"I'll be Cinna the Poet," says Leonardo.

"I could see Altaïr portraying Cassius quite well," Malik says, looking at the Syrian with his head tilted.

"I'm not cowardly, though," Altaïr replies, refusing the role.

"It's official; Altaïr is now Cassius!" shouts Aoibheann, writing down his name with his character.

"I did not agree to this! Also, where did you get that clipboard?"

"When Desmond was muttering to himself about Charles Lee in Italian, I quickly went off-stage to get a clipboard to write down who's playing who."

"Oh," the Assassin says to himself.

"Anyway, we'll be going on break, and once we return, the cast will be set!"

* * *

 

"Okay guys, we're back once more, and we have got your lovely cast set in stone!" Aoibheann announces, dragging in a wagon with a stone slab that actually has the cast members' names engraved in it.

"I think someone took that a little too literally," says Edward.

"Maybe I did, but this is a way to confirm everything; it's literally set in stone. Here is our lovely cast for Act 1:

_**Flavius: Charles Lee  
Marullus: Shaun Hastings** _

__**Carpenter: Jacob Frye  
Cobbler: Desmond Miles  
Soothsayer: Mary Read/James Kidd**

**_Julius Caesar: Ezio Auditore da Firenze_  
Calpurnia: Lucrezia Borgia  
Marcus Brutus: Niccolò Machiavelli  
Portia: Claudia Auditore da Firenze**

__**Caius Cassius: Altaïr Ibn-La'Ahad  
Casca: Edward 'Blackbeard' Thatch  
Cinna: Connor Kenway  
Decius Brutus: Caterina Sforza (cross-dressing)  
Cicero: Maria Thorpe (cross-dressing)  
Marc Antony: Shay Patrick Cormac**

"So, how does that sound?" the staff member asks.

"Sounds fine, but we have plenty of men here," Desmond begins, "why would we have the ladies cross-dress?"

"I'm not cross-dressing," Lucrezia counters.

"I've done it for years; I'm used to it," says Mary.

"I've done it as well." Maria agrees.

"Oh, I know," Altaïr grumbles.

"And that, kids, is how I met your father."

"Where did you learn that?" questions Aoibheann.

"I heard Frenzy say something similar to it before."

"Of course you did," mutters Clay.

"Shut up, Clayton," Aoibheann tell the blonde.

"It's Clay."

"Whatever, Clayford."

"What?"

"Clay-doh."

"Hey, I like Clay-doh!" Desmond exclaims. Everyone on set turns to look at Desmond, their faces masked by looks of disapproval. "What? It fits him!"

"Not that you aren't wrong, but this was not the best time," Rebecca explains to him.

"You don't say?" Shaun says sarcastically.

"Shut up, Shaun," says William.

"But-" the British man's words were cut off by an incredibly sharp look.

"Shaun, cool it," the red-head tells him. "Look, we need to get our costumes on now; Eddie from the costume people said that they should be close to ready for the people in Act 1."

"How were they done so fast?" asks Ezio.

"We always have some spare costumes; the costume folks are quite skilled with sheets when necessary, and we have a bunch of gladiator sandals for you all."

"Oh joy!" Daniel exclaims in a sweet yet sarcastic voice.

"That being said, we will go on another break as we further discuss the script for our parody: _Julius Caesar with More Modern Words!_ "

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also, how do you guys like Aoibheann? I hope you guys enjoyed her as much as I do, because I'm thinking that she may take over for Frenzy, rather than a clone. I also hope I got the right pronunciation (EE-van), because I found that in Dublin, the name could be pronounced as AY-van.
> 
> One more thing: I just realized that this is my longest chapter yet! Seriously, I'll stop now. Have a nice night (or day, depending on where you live).


	13. An Unaired Episode

"And we're back!" Aoibheann announces, looking at the empty audience. "Wait, where's the audience?"

"Vacation," Daniel answers bluntly. "You know, since every time you make an episode we have to cancel the airing because we couldn't make it through the whole activity or we simply can't agree on anything to do."

"Oh yeah." She looks down at the floor, a shamed look masking her face.

"What's wrong, Love?" Shaun asks, his eyebrow arched. Aoibheann raises her head in amusement, a smirk slowly creeping onto her face. A few of the modern-day Assassins snicker, as well as Jacob and the hostess. He rolls his eyes and replies, "What is so funny about that?"

"The taciturn historian actually calling someone 'Love'? " Jacob chuckles.

"I'm British too, you know."

"So? It's just odd to hear someone so crotchety say something so... affectionate." At this point, Aoibheann succumbs to her chuckling and finally begins to laugh, her voice resonating throughout the stage. Shaun, on the other hand, was sitting there with a slightly stunned look on his face.

"Did you just call me 'crotchety'?" the historian questions sharply after a few seconds.

"Is he particularly wrong though?" Haytham counters, a ghost of a smile on his face. Shaun only glares at him, feeling betrayed by fellow British men. "Well?"

"Whatever," he says resignedly. He takes off his glasses and puts his head in his hand, feeling worn down from this, er, "gentlemanly exchange of words," as the hostess once said during a commercial break.

The room falls into an uncomfortable silence, even Aoibheann's cacophonous laughter coming to an end. Every couple of seconds, someone opens their mouth to try to speak, but failed to even utter a sound. Eventually, Connor manages to clear his throat and speak: "Well, where do we go from here?"

"I don't know," Aoibheann answers honestly. A thoughtful look crosses her face, her thumb and index fingers meeting at her chin. "Does anyone have an idea? How about you Dobby?" The Assassin looks at her peculiarly. "Did I say something wrong?"

"No," she replies, "but with the exception of Connor here, no one really calls me 'Dobby' anymore. I've just become Deborah here."

"Huh, never really realized that. But anyway, do you have any ideas?"

"Well, talking about my own name has got me thinking about nicknames. I'm sure we've all had one at some point."

"Not really, actually," Aoibheann admits.

"Really?" Shaun inquires genuinely.

"Yeah. Have you?"

"Yes, actually," he answers her, "including-"

"Dick," Desmond jokes, only to receive a death glare from the Brit.

"Asshole," Rebecca adds quickly.

"Douche-" Daniel attempts to add before Shaun throws a pen at him. However, the Templar manages to catch it before it hits his face. He tosses it back at the Assassin, knocking his glasses off as a result. Daniel scoffs before receiving an unimpressed look from the miffed historian. Before anything could go any further, Aoibheann clears her throat to silence the already quiet room.

"Those are some, uh, colorful nicknames," the hostess chuckles. "To be honest, I thought your nickname would have been Shaunie or something."

"Shaunie," the Brit replies skeptically.

"Apparently so," Edward replies nonchalantly, "but 'Shaunie' does have a nice ring to it, wouldn't you say so, Shaunie?"

"Seriously?"

"Yup!" Aoibheann replies gleefully. "We'll be right back!"

"See, this is why I have issues with Irish people," the historian sighs exasperatedly.

"Yeah, _that's_ why," Shay mutters silently.

"What was that?"

"Nothing."

* * *

"And we're back!" Aoibheann shouts pointlessly. "So, what was that weird thing that occurred between you and Shay there, Shaunie?"

"Oh my God, we're still on that "Shaunie" thing?" He questions in an annoyed tone.

"It sticks quite well to you," Clay states with a shrug. The historian glances at him, his eyes blank.

"I don't feel that it does." He quickly turns around, staring at the redhead. "To answer your question, Aoibheann, we have had some, er, exchanges of words."

"Similar to something from British Parliament," Daniel chuckles.

"Or the Real Housewives," Caterina adds. The contestants give her looks of surprise and confusion. "Am I incorrect though?"

"No," Aoibheann replies, "but how did you find out about that fiasco of a show?"

"The so-called Internet. It was easy to navigate and I somehow found it from an advertisement on Google."

"Oh dear God."

"You're telling me," she sighs, holding her head. "The things one can find on there could traumatize the strongest men."

"Well, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger," Desmond reasons, shrugging in the process.

"Not really," Arno mumbles under his breath. "Not when there's a seemingly unlimited amount of fanfiction." Nearly everyone groans and murmurs in agreement, though there are some looks of confusion floating in the group.

"Fanfiction?" Achilles asks skeptically.

"Don't," Haytham warns, shaking his lowered head. "It is quite... shameful to read."

" _Especially_ the romance ones," Ezio tacks on. "There are full of poorly written clichés-"

"And don't forget the smut," Aoibheann adds. The ones present for the original reading frown, some even shuddering at that experience.

"Anyone notice how much incest was in some of those?" Daniel asks the group, earning more displeasing sounds and a few scowls.

"Incest?" Anne questions slowly, turning herself around to see Daniel.

"Damn, Daniel," Edward says, ignoring the facepalms from Aoibheann and William, "back at it again with the weird comments!"

"You did not just do that," Aoibheann groans, tired of that meme floating around her fellow staff members.

"Just be glad he is not wearing white vans," Maria Thrope replies humorously. Altaïr gives her a queer look, his eyebrow arched.

"What do you mean?" the former Mentor asks his wife.

"Despite the time and our own personal differences, sometimes the girls group together and explore the Internet."

"Including me," the hostess adds quickly.

"That was understood, I believe," Altaïr responds bluntly, receiving a huff from the redhead.

"What exactly do you guys do?" Edward asks curiously.

"Father, that isn't especially our business," Haytham tells the pirate, slight concern seeping into his features.

"They look at something called memes," Blackbeard says out of the blue, answering his friend's question.

"And how would _you_ know?" Mary asks him suspiciously, her body turning and her hand on her hip.

"Il y a des temps quand vous pouvez assez forts," Arno replies.

"Vraiment?" Aveline questions disbelievingly.

"Ouais."

"Dear God, could we just speak English here?" Shaun requests, exasperated. "It's driving me insane."

"Calma, Shaun," Leonardo advises, sensing the frustration radiating off the historian. Shaun glares at him quickly before relaxing his forehead and sighing in a defeated manner. The artist smiles warmly at the Brit before facing the hostess.

"Uh, yeah," Aoibheann mutters awkwardly, rubbing her neck with a sheepish smile. "So, we have also done some react videos."

" 'React videos'?" Shay asks.

"It's a recording of a person's reaction to something of any topic, usually a song or odd video," Charles explains for the hostess. William looks at the Templar oddly, surprised by his knowledge on that subject.

"Where did you learn that?" the modern-day Mentor asks.

"When we first learned about the Internet here, Frenzy gave us a tutorial on how it works. I managed to stumble on some YouTube channels that focused on people's reactions, and looked into them a bit more." Once more, the room falls into silence for a few moments until a cricket sound appears from seemingly nowhere. Nearly everyone's heads look up sharply, quickly realizing that it was coming from Aoibheann's phone. She flashes an embarrassed smile before picking it up and turning around.

"Hello?" she answers. "Hi mom! Yeah, I'm fine, I'm just working." She pauses for a quick second. "I know we haven't been on the air for a little while– It's seriously okay, mom, don't worry. Yeah, okay. I love you too mom, bye." By the time she turns around, the contestants look at her strangely, some even with amused smirks. "What? I'm sure that there are many of you who have spoken to your parents or guardians about trivial issues before."

"Yes, but, it's so odd to hear only one side of the conversation," Jacob replies simply.

"So? What's wrong with having a halfway private conversation?"

"We all know what the conversation was, even with only hearing you," Altaïr replies, his voice clipped.

"Whatever. So, anyone up for some react videos?"

"You're actually willing to show the videos?" Lucrezia asks incredulously.

"Yeah," the hostess responds nonchalantly, shrugging lightly.

"Well, I would think the most reactive person here wouldn't wish for them to be shown," the blonde chuckles. The hostess begins to blanch, remembering how badly she reacted.

"Y-You know what, maybe we don't need to show them."

"I kind of want to see them again," Mary says, a smirk growing slowly, "it's definitely been a while."

"No doubt," Rosa agrees, crossing her arms with a throaty chuckle. The hostess grumbles, saying something scathing about the two women.

"Fine," she mutters darkly, "we'll show the videos. But I'm sure I'm not the only one who reacted strongly!"

" _Sure_ you were," the Italian replies, receiving a one-finger salute from the redhead.


End file.
